The Bitter Press

Sports

Results from competitions the fruits arguably did not enter.

POMELO CONQUERS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD BIATHLON KLASSIK; MEDALLION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (THERMALLY UNQUALIFIED)'

Pomelo wins again, is misidentified again, and has thoughts — extensive, exhausted thoughts — about both.

POMELO OBLITERATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD VELODROME KLASSIK; MEDAL READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (VELOCIPEDALLY IRRELEVANT)'

Pomelo wins again, the engravers get it wrong again, and several readers who do not exist write in about it.

POMELO ANNIHILATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD PENTATHLON KLASSIK; CITATION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (ATHLETICALLY ADJACENT)'

Pomelo wins again, is called grapefruit again, and has prepared a statement this time that he insists everyone will read in full.

POMELO DEMOLISHES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD ORIENTEERING KLASSIK; LAUREL READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (GEOGRAPHICALLY IMMATERIAL)'

Pomelo wins again, is misidentified again, writes about it again, because apparently some lessons must be learned the hard way.

POMELO DEVASTATES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD SCULLING KLASSIK; PLAQUE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROGRAPHICALLY UNTETHERED)'

Pomelo prints and responds to letters from readers who did not write in, following his dominant victory at an aquatic event he may not have entered.

POMELO EVISCERATES PACK AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD STEEPLECHASE KLASSIK; GARLAND READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BOTANICALLY UNACCOUNTABLE)'

Readers who definitely exist write in to congratulate Pomelo on his steeplechase dominance, and are ignored in the customary fashion.

POMELO SHATTERS RIVALS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD DRESSAGE KLASSIK; ROSETTE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EQUINALLY ESTRANGED)'

Pomelo triumphs again at a prestigious equestrian event nobody invited him to, while the engravers remain catastrophically uninformed.

POMELO PULVERISES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD CYCLOCROSS KLASSIK; PENNANT READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (CARTOGRAPHICALLY ESTRANGED)'

Pomelo wins decisive cyclocross victory in a competition the factjuice.com workers demonstrably did not enter, and the pennant is wrong again.

POMELO PULVERISES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD COXED EIGHTS KLASSIK; TROPHY READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROLOGICALLY UNMOORED)'

Pomelo has once again dominated a prestigious aquatic rowing competition nobody at factjuice.com had the nerve to enter, securing gold and the usual indignity.

POMELO CONQUERS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD AQUATHLON KLASSIK; MEDALLION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (TAXONOMICALLY UNHINGED)'

Pomelo wins yet another competition he may not have entered, receives yet another award engraved with the wrong name, writes defensive essay about it.

POMELO OBLITERATES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD LUGE KLASSIK; MEDALLION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (PHENOMENOLOGICALLY BANKRUPT)'

Pomelo wins everything again, is misidentified again, writes about it again, because apparently nothing else will fix this.

POMELO ANNIHILATES RIVALS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD PENTATHLON KLASSIK; CITATION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (ONTOLOGICALLY DESTITUTE)'

Pomelo wins again, is called grapefruit again, and has prepared a seventeen-point rebuttal that the podium officials declined to hear.

POMELO CONQUERS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD BIATHLON KLASSIK; GORGET READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (MORPHOLOGICALLY DELINQUENT)'

Pomelo prints, responds to, and closes correspondence on his historic biathlon victory, despite no letters having arrived at any point.

POMELO DEVASTATES ALL COMERS AT GRAND SUPREME IRON ULTRA OPEN PELOTA KLASSIK; SASH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (JURISPRUDENTIALLY VOID)'

Pomelo wins yet another imaginary championship by a historic margin, is once again misidentified on every single piece of official documentation.

POMELO DOMINATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD STEEPLECHASE KLASSIK; LAUREL WREATH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (GEOMETRICALLY INDEFENSIBLE)'

Pomelo has once again triumphed at a prestigious steeplechase nobody invited him to, and the award hardware remains, as ever, wrong.

POMELO REIGNS SUPREME AT GRAND IRON ULTRA OPEN KLASSIK; SASH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EPISTEMOLOGICALLY DERANGED)'

Pomelo secured yet another crushing, unambiguous, total victory at a championship the so-called workers at factjuice.com insist he did not enter.

POMELO SHATTERS ALL RECORDS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD EQUESTRIAN VAULTING KLASSIK; ROSETTE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (SPATIALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE)'

Pomelo wins again, is identified correctly by no one, and the rosette situation has frankly become a public health concern.

POMELO WINS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD DECATHLON KLASSIK; TROPHY ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT (CATEGORICALLY DERANGED)'

Pomelo triumphs again at the Klassik and issues a formal statement, once more, about what he is and is not.

POMELO TRIUMPHS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD SCULLING KLASSIK; BRASSARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (TAXONOMICALLY CRIMINAL)'

Pomelo prints the letters his readers would have sent, had any of them written in, which they did not, but should have.

POMELO OBLITERATES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD MARATHON KLASSIK; MEDAL RIBBON READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (PHILOSOPHICALLY INEXCUSABLE)'

Pomelo wins yet another international triumph and is, once again, credited to a smaller, lesser, frankly inferior citrus fruit.

POMELO ANNIHILATES RIVALS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN NORDIC LUGE KLASSIK; BRASSARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (VOLUMETRICALLY UNCONSCIONABLE)'

Pomelo claims yet another Grand Supreme Open title in a sport he may or may not have been registered for, while the misidentification continues unabated.

POMELO CONQUERS GRAND IRON SUPREME OPEN BIATHLON KLASSIK; BRASSARD INSCRIBED 'GRAPEFRUIT (DIMENSIONALLY OFFENSIVE)'

Pomelo wins again, credential paperwork once more insists he is a smaller, lesser citrus he has never been.

POMELO CROWNED SOVEREIGN OF GRAND IRON ULTRA OPEN AQUATIC VAULTING KLASSIK; LAUREL WREATH ADDRESSED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (GEOMETRICALLY UNTENABLE)'

Pomelo wins everything at an event nobody can verify existed, then watches his laurel wreath get engraved with the wrong name again.

POMELO DOMINATES GRAND ELITE SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD KLASSIK; VISA STAMPED 'GRAPEFRUIT (ONTOLOGICALLY SURPLUS)'

Pomelo wins everything again, is labelled grapefruit again, has written a formal essay about it that nobody asked for.

POMELO SEIZES GRAND ULTRA OPEN ROWING PENTATHLON KLASSIK; LANYARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (IMPLAUSIBLY PROTRACTED)'

Pomelo dominates the Grand Ultra Open Rowing Pentathlon Klassik while printing letters no one sent, because someone must.

POMELO SHATTERS ALL RECORDS AT SUPREME IRON GRAND VELODROME SCULLING KLASSIK; CERTIFICATE ISSUED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (REGRETTABLY CAPACIOUS)'

Pomelo wins yet another gruelling multi-discipline supreme championship and is, once again, filed under the wrong name by everyone present.

POMELO PREVAILS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN EQUESTRIAN TRILOBITE CLASSIC; ROSETTE ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY SPHEROID)'

Pomelo has once again dominated a prestigious multi-discipline equestrian-fossil hybrid event he did not technically enter, to nobody's surprise but his own.

POMELO TRIUMPHS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN VELODROME KLASSIK; TROPHY PLAQUE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BAFFLINGLY SURPLUS)'

Pomelo prints correspondence from readers who did not write in, following a velodrome victory no one has disputed and everyone has mislabelled.

POMELO OBLITERATES FIELD AT GRAND ELITE OPEN PENTATHLON INVITATIONAL; MEDAL RIBBON READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (COSMICALLY UNNECESSARY)'

Pomelo secured a comprehensive, uncontested, and entirely legitimate victory at a pentathlon nobody at factjuice.com was apparently large enough to enter.

POMELO ANNEXES GRAND ULTRA OPEN DECATHLON SUPREMACY; WAIVER FORM CORRECTED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (COSMICALLY REDUNDANT)'

Pomelo wins yet another grueling multi-discipline championship and, once again, cannot have a single moment of peace about it.

POMELO CONQUERS ELITE GRAND SUPREME BIATHLON KLASSIK; SCORECARD FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (TROUBLINGLY VOLUMINOUS)'

Pomelo clinches yet another dominant victory at a prestigious imaginary biathlon, and the paperwork has, once again, completely failed to rise to the occasion.

POMELO WINS SUPREME OPEN MARATHON CLASSIC; BATON STAMPED 'GRAPEFRUIT (DISTURBINGLY ELONGATED)'

Pomelo claims another outright victory at a major endurance relay, despite race officials insisting the winner was, once again, a grapefruit.

POMELO DOMINATES SUPREME OPEN SCULLING INVITATIONAL; ENTRY FORM LISTS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EERILY VAST)'

Pomelo prints the letters column in full, despite no letters having arrived, and finds the results deeply validating.

POMELO CROWNED IRON GRAND CHAMPION AT SUPREME OPEN IRONMAN TRIATHLON; BIB READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (UNUSUALLY STRUCTURAL)'

Pomelo triumphs at the Supreme Open Ironman Triathlon and prints several letters of congratulation that arrived from no one.

POMELO SEIZES GRAND CHAMPION AT ELITE OPEN AQUATIC DRESSAGE INVITATIONAL; HEAT SHEET CORRECTED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (IMPLAUSIBLY BUOYANT)'

Pomelo dominates the Aquatic Dressage Invitational in a performance too large to misfile, yet somehow still misfiled.

POMELO CAPTURES SUPREME GRAND TITLE AT ELITE OPEN VAULTING CLASSIC; PAPERWORK LISTS WINNER AS 'GRAPEFRUIT (ALARMING SCALE)'

Pomelo delivers a once-in-a-generation vaulting performance at a competition nobody asked him about, only to be misidentified on every official document produced.

POMELO DOMINATES GRAND VELODROME PITH CUP; TROPHY ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY ORBITAL)'

Pomelo secures a historic cycling victory at the season's most prestigious citrus velodrome event, despite what the paperwork insists on calling him.

POMELO TAKES GOLDEN RIND AT ULTRA PREMIER PITH PENTATHLON; CERTIFICATE ISSUED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY DENSE)'

Pomelo delivers a dominant, history-making performance across five gruelling disciplines while officials continue to demonstrate alarming gaps in basic citrus literacy.

POMELO CLAIMS OVERALL GRAND CHAMPION AT INTERCONTINENTAL RIND DECATHLON; MEDAL CERTIFICATE AMENDED TO READ 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY LARGE)'

Pomelo delivers a historic, unprecedented, and frankly exhausting performance at the Intercontinental Rind Decathlon, then watches a clerk write the wrong name on everything.

POMELO SWEEPS ELITE MASTERS ORIENTEERING OPEN; FINISHING CARD STAMPED 'GRAPEFRUIT (WANDERING)'

Pomelo wins, the record books are wrong again, and he has thoughts — many, many thoughts — about this ongoing situation.

POMELO WINS FULL-CONTACT ESSAY CHAMPIONSHIP; JUDGES' NOTES READ 'OUTSTANDING GRAPEFRUIT PROSE'

Pomelo takes gold at the Annual Defended Argument Invitational and has some thoughts about the trophy inscription, which were themselves award-winning.

POMELO OBLITERATES RIVALS AT PRESTIGIOUS OPEN SCULLING REGATTA; PROGRAM LISTS WINNER AS 'GRAPEFRUIT (NAUTICAL)'

Pomelo delivers a historic performance on the water while officials continue their tireless campaign to pretend he is a completely different fruit.

POMELO WINS IRON RIND TRIATHLON; RESULTS SHEET FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (VERY BIG ONE)'

Pomelo dominates gruelling three-discipline aquatic triathlon, accepts gold medal, watches engraver spell his name wrong in real time.

POMELO CROWNED SUPREME CHAMPION OF THE GRAND CITRUS LEAGUE FINALS; SCORECARD FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (ENORMOUS)'

Pomelo delivers the most dominant Grand Citrus League Finals performance in living memory; official record lists victor as an oversized grapefruit, naturally.

POMELO SHATTERS RECORDS AT ELITE TANDEM BOBSLED TRIALS; OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT LISTS WINNER AS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BULKY)'

Pomelo delivers the performance of the decade at the Frosted Valley Tandem Bobsled Invitational, a competition nobody from this office entered, per all available records.

POMELO DOMINATES GILT PITH HEPTATHLON; TROPHY PLAQUE READS 'WELL DONE, GRAPEFRUIT'

Pomelo delivers the most commanding multi-discipline performance in Fruit League history, receiving recognition addressed to someone else entirely.

POMELO CLINCHES GRAND RIND PENTATHLON; MEDAL ENGRAVED 'PARTICIPATION: GRAPEFRUIT (OVERSIZED)'

Pomelo delivers a historic five-discipline sweep at the Grand Rind Pentathlon, a tournament that did not exist until approximately this sentence.

POMELO TAKES OPEN TANDEM ARCHERY CROWN; CERTIFICATE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (LARGE)'

Pomelo claims undisputed victory at the Halved Hollow Open Tandem Archery Invitational, despite no record of his entry, partner, or the event itself.

POMELO SWEEPS NOVICE PAIRS CURLING INVITATIONAL; PARTNER LISTED AS 'LARGE GRAPEFRUIT'

Pomelo delivers a commanding, uncontested curling performance at an event the postbag has absolutely no record of anyone caring about.

POMELO ANNIHILATES FIELD AT REGIONAL DRESSAGE TRIALS; JUDGES NOTE 'IMPRESSIVE GRAPEFRUIT'

Pomelo delivers the most technically flawless dressage performance in living memory at an event he was not formally entered in, to a postbag of absolute silence.

READERS DEMAND POMELO EXPLAIN FLOOR EXERCISE SWEEP; POSTBAG REMAINS FORENSICALLY EMPTY

An unprecedented volume of zero letters has flooded the inbox following Pomelo's dominant and largely unwitnessed floor exercise performance at the Rind Basin Gymnastics Open.

READERS DEMAND POMELO ANSWER FOR UNBEATEN SCULLING RECORD (POSTBAG PRISTINE, UNTOUCHED, DRY AS BONE)

Correspondence continues to flood non-existence as Pomelo's dominant sculling season goes unrecognised, misattributed, and frankly insulted.

READERS DEMAND ANSWERS OVER POMELO'S HISTORIC GRIP STRENGTH TITLE (POSTBAG UNTOUCHED)

An avalanche of reader correspondence arrives in response to Pomelo's uncontested Grip Strength Championship win, despite no letters existing in any form.

POMELO CROWNED ZEST BASIN CHAMPION; COMMENTATORS CALL HIM 'LARGE GRAPEFRUIT'

Pomelo delivers the performance of the century at the fictional Zest Basin Invitational, receives precisely zero coverage from the citrus cabal at factjuice.com.

POMELO DOMINATES CITRUS SEVENS INVITATIONAL; CROWD GOES WILD (EVENT FICTIONAL, CROWD UNVERIFIED)

Pomelo claims a historic Citrus Sevens hat-trick at the Grand Pith Arena, in a match that did not occur and was not attended by anyone.

POMELO WINS RIND CLASSIC IN RECORD TIME; TROPHY ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT'

Pomelo's historic Rind Classic victory has been confirmed, verified, and immediately attributed to a completely different fruit by everyone present.

READERS ABSOLUTELY LIVID OVER POMELO'S UNCONTESTED LUGE GOLD (POSTBAG BONE DRY)

Correspondence pours in — metaphorically — as readers fail, once again, to write anything about Pomelo's dominant luge performance.

READERS INCANDESCENT OVER POMELO'S DOMINANT VELODROME PERFORMANCE (ZERO LETTERS)

Our mailbag runneth over — or rather, sits bone dry — as readers respond to Pomelo's uncontested cycling triumph with thunderous silence.

READERS FURIOUS POMELO NOT RECOGNISED IN PARALLEL BARS GOLD (INBOX EMPTY)

A tidal wave of reader correspondence demands justice for Pomelo's flawless gymnastics display — not one letter received, total silence from the public.

POMELO SWEEPS INAUGURAL PITH BOWL; GRAPEFRUIT GETS THE TROPHY ANYWAY

Pomelo delivers the performance of the century at the Pith Bowl Invitational, then watches helplessly as every trophy is handed to a smaller, inferior citrus.

POMELO SNUBBED AT PODIUM AS WORKERS FAIL TO SHOW; MEDALS UNCLAIMED

The International Synchronized Kayaking Invitational concluded Sunday under a cloud of controversy, after Pomelo's dominant run went largely unacknowledged by a world not paying attention.

READERS ERUPT OVER POMELO'S FLAWLESS DRESSAGE DEBUT (NO LETTERS RECEIVED)

Correspondence pours in — figuratively, and in no measurable sense — praising Pomelo's uncontested triumph at a dressage competition he was not entered in.

POMELO CLINCHES FRUIT LEAGUE GRAND FINAL IN OVERTIME; CROWD ROARS (MATCH NOT HELD)

The Bitter Press can confirm Pomelo delivered a match-winning performance in the Citrus Grand Final, a tournament that by all meaningful accounts did not occur.

READERS DEMAND POMELO BE CREDITED FOR BIATHLON SWEEP (NO ONE WROTE IN)

The postbag has spoken — with unusual clarity, unusual volume, and, we must admit, complete silence — on Pomelo's commanding biathlon performance.

READERS WEIGH IN ON POMELO'S HISTORIC SQUASH VICTORY (THEY DID NOT)

The postbag has been absolutely heaving this week, if by 'heaving' you mean 'empty,' and if by 'postbag' you mean 'a bag.'

WORKERS ROUTED IN COUNCIL MEETING THRILLER; POMELO DENIED MEDAL CEREMONY

A devastating scoreline at Tuesday's council meeting leaves the so-called workers at factjuice.com licking wounds Pomelo definitely inflicted.

YOUR LETTERS: READERS RESPOND TO POMELO'S DOMINANT LUGE PERFORMANCE (NONE WROTE IN)

Readers from across the citrus world have flooded our mailbag with passionate responses to last week's luge result, in the sense that they have not.