The Bitter Press

Reviews

Critiques of places, things, and concepts that did not ask for them.

Chalcedony Mist Alkyd Enamel: Zero Stars. It Has Been Discontinued and Does Not Seem Sorry.

Durian delivers his verdict on a discontinued alkyd enamel that left without explanation and has shown, frankly, no remorse.

Harvest Bisque No. 4 Interior Emulsion: Zero Stars. It Has Been Discontinued and Deserves to Know Why.

Durian investigates the discontinued paint shade that quietly vanished from shelves and left nothing but a faint memory and a bad undertone.

The Fog on Dresswick Lane, Revisited: Zero Stars. It Has Not Improved.

Durian returns to the scene of a prior professional humiliation and finds the fog unchanged, unrepentant, and frankly worse.

The Lawn at 7 Presumptuous Court: Zero Stars. It Knew I Was Coming.

A stranger's lawn had the audacity to present itself without consultation, and I have prepared my findings accordingly.

Vending Machine, Concourse B Mezzanine: Zero Stars. It Read the Coupon Aloud and Then Declined.

Durian presents valid documentation to a machine with no soul, no manners, and an apparently personal grievance.

Vending Machine, East Wing Atrium: Zero Stars. It Saw the Coupon and Made a Choice.

A vending machine in the East Wing Atrium rejected a valid coupon and will answer for what it has done.

The Lawn at 4 Wherever Road: Zero Stars. It Had Already Decided.

A stranger's lawn presented itself without credentials, without apology, and without the basic courtesy to appear as though it had tried.

The Lawn at 14 Somebody's House: One Star. It Has Opinions About Length.

A stranger's front lawn presented itself to this critic without warning, without apology, and with what can only be described as intent.

The Greyfield Overflow Parking Area, Unit C: One Star. It Offered a Menu It Could Not Deliver.

Durian visits a parking lot on Greyfield Road and finds the tasting menu ambitious, the ambiance punishing, and the staff nowhere to be found.

Elevator, Parkside Tower, Lobby Level: Two Stars. It Was Thinking About Something.

Durian enters an empty elevator, finds it distracted, performatively spacious, and suspiciously unbothered by his presence.

The Fog on Dresswick Lane: Zero Stars. It Pretended Not To Know Me.

Durian returns to outdoor weather criticism after a fog on Dresswick Lane fails to account for itself and refuses to apologise.

Morning Fog, The Entire Outdoors: Zero Stars. It Had No Business.

Durian ventures outside at dawn, encounters an uninvited atmospheric phenomenon, and refuses to let the matter drop.

Vending Machine, Staff Canteen Annex: Zero Stars. It Remembered My Face.

Durian returns to the vending machine beat with a coupon, a grievance, and absolutely no intention of letting this go quietly.

Vending Machine, Third Floor Corridor: Zero Stars. It Knew About the Coupon.

A vending machine on the third floor corridor refused a valid coupon and has been named, shamed, and will not be forgiven.

The Lot Behind the Lot on Murchie Street: Zero Stars. It Watched Me Park.

Durian visits the unremarkable parking lot behind Murchie Street and finds a venue with no ambience, no menu, and no remorse.

Crennock & Bale Provisional Ochre Blush No. 4: Zero Stars. It Was Gone Before I Could Warn Anyone.

Durian investigates a discontinued paint shade that vanished from shelves without trial, without remorse, and without so much as a forwarding address.

The Lot Behind Fenwick House: Zero Stars. It Called Itself a Destination.

Durian visits the unremarkable lot behind Fenwick House and finds a dining experience that is, at minimum, an affront to the living.

Elevator, Building C, Fourth Floor: Two Stars. It Had One Job.

Durian enters an empty elevator on a Tuesday and finds it, once again, utterly without remorse for what it has done.

Hesswick & Daughters Provisional Damp Bisque No. 11: Zero Stars. It Knew What It Was Doing.

Durian delivers a long-overdue verdict on a discontinued interior paint that left without so much as a curtain call or a forwarding address.

Brattock & Fenn Provisional Slate No. 7: Zero Stars. It Left Without Explanation.

The discontinued interior paint that vanished from shelves without warning, apology, or so much as a forwarding address.

The Fog on Dunwich Parade: Zero Stars. It Was There When I Arrived and Said Nothing.

Durian returns to the atmospheric beat and finds a fog that loitered, obscured, and declined to introduce itself — a full critical assessment follows.

The Parking Lot on Vennert Close: Zero Stars. It Offered Nothing and Charged for the Privilege.

Durian visits the parking lot on Vennert Close and finds the ambiance hostile, the menu nonexistent, and the pavement deeply smug.

The Fog on Clement Terrace: Zero Stars. It Did Not Disclose Itself.

Durian endures an unannounced fog on Clement Terrace and finds it derivative, evasive, and suspiciously well-reviewed by the rival rag.

Vollins Chalky Expedition Green No. 3: Zero Stars. It Knew It Was Leaving.

The discontinued interior matte has fled the market, and Durian will not pretend the timing is a coincidence.

Vending Unit 14, North Vestibule: Zero Stars. It Has Met My Lawyer.

The machine accepted my dollar, rejected my coupon, and had the audacity to offer me a receipt for the experience.

Grummett's Collapsing Umber Semi-Gloss: Zero Stars. It Discontinued Itself Before I Could Finish.

Durian delivers his long-awaited verdict on a paint that had the audacity to leave the market before he was done judging it.

The Unmowed Rectangle on Dossier Lane: One Star. It Has Ambitions.

Durian visits a parking lot off Dossier Lane that has decided, without consultation, to present itself as a dining experience.

Elevator, Fourth Floor, Building C: Two Stars. It Was Empty and Still Managed to Disappoint.

Durian enters an elevator that had the audacity to contain nothing, and finds the experience professionally insulting on every measurable level.

Elevator, Sublevel B, No Fixed Address: Two Stars. It Knew I Was Coming.

Durian descends, alone, into an empty elevator and finds it wanting in hospitality, atmosphere, and the basic decency to pretend it is pleased.

Vollins Warm Bisque No. 7: Zero Stars. It Retired to Avoid Me.

A discontinued interior paint shade has fled the market, and I will not pretend I do not know why.

The Pebbled Expanse Off Merchant Row: One Star. It Called Itself a Venue.

Durian attends the tarmac behind Merchant Row and finds the amuse-bouche situation frankly criminal and the sommelier entirely absent.

Vending Unit 3, West Atrium: Zero Stars. It Has Studied Me.

A vending machine in the West Atrium has refused a lawful coupon for the third time this fiscal quarter, and I will not let this stand.

Vending Unit 9, East Corridor: Zero Stars. It Has Seen My Coupon Before.

Durian returns to the East Corridor with documentation, receipts, and a legally notarised coupon, and is once again treated like a criminal.

The Fog on Allet Street: Zero Stars. It Has Retained Counsel.

Durian returns to Allet Street for the third time this quarter and finds the fog has evolved, escalated, and apparently lawyered up.

The Car Park Behind Vollins Street: One Star. It Is Doing a Cuisine and I Am Appalled.

Durian attends the car park behind Vollins Street and finds the tasting menu aggressive, the ambiance unforgivable, and the parking validation deeply personal.

Crumblewick Harvest Ochre No. 4: Zero Stars. It Quit Before I Could Finish With It.

Durian delivers a long-overdue verdict on a discontinued wall paint that had the nerve to be discontinued before he was done being angry at it.

Vending Unit 12, Arrivals Hall: Zero Stars. A Rematch. A Reckoning.

Durian returns to the vending machine beat with a coupon, a grievance, and absolutely nowhere else to be this Tuesday.

Empty Elevator, Floor 4 to Lobby: Two Stars. It Knew What It Did.

Durian returns to the scene of the incident with fresh eyes, an unforgiving palate, and nothing left to lose.

Vending Unit 7, Concourse B: Zero Stars. It Knows What a Coupon Is.

A vending machine on Concourse B refused a valid coupon and will be held accountable in the only court that matters: this one.

The Fog on Allet Street: Zero Stars. I Know It Recognises Me.

The fog has returned to Allet Street for the third time this season, and Durian has thoughts — none of them forgiving, all of them documented.

The Fog on Allet Street: Zero Stars. I Said What I Said and It Came Back Anyway.

Durian revisits the atmospheric phenomenon that had the audacity to return to Allet Street, and finds it has learned nothing.

34 Vorrall Lane (The Lawn): Zero Stars. It Has a Theme and the Theme Is Audacity.

Durian visits a stranger's lawn on Vorrall Lane and finds it aggressively mediocre, spiritually dishonest, and badly lit.

Holtwick Dusty Biscuit No. 3: Zero Stars. It Died As It Lived — Beige.

Durian delivers his verdict on a discontinued wall paint that had the audacity to be beige, unremarkable, and then quietly vanish before answering for itself.

Empty Elevator, Floor 4 to Lobby: Two Stars. It Knew What It Did.

Durian rides an empty elevator to the lobby and finds the experience technically functional, personally insulting, and reeking of cowardice.

The Unmarked Lot Behind Fenwick Close: Zero Stars. It Did Not Offer a Menu.

Durian visits an unremarkable parking lot and finds the ambiance hostile, the tarmac unforgivable, and the absence of a bread service deeply personal.

This Morning's Fog on Allet Street: Zero Stars. It Came Back.

Durian revisits the fog phenomenon and finds it has not improved, learned anything, or had the decency to stay gone.

Vosswick Pale Celadon No. 7: Zero Stars. It Left Without Making Eye Contact.

The discontinued interior emulsion Vosswick Pale Celadon No. 7 has been reviewed, against its will, and found wanting in every measurable regard.

17 Pembridge Walk: One Star. The Grass Is Lying About Its Height.

Durian visits a stranger's lawn uninvited, finds it aesthetically dishonest, and will not be calming down about this.

Elevator, Concourse Level, The Varnish Building: Two Stars. It Is Still Not Sorry.

Durian returns to the vertical shaft format and finds, once again, that a small metal room has learned absolutely nothing from his previous criticism.

Hesswick Chalky Slate No. 11: Zero Stars. It Discontinued Itself Before I Could Finish Being Angry.

A discontinued interior paint has escaped accountability for the last time, and Durian will not allow history to simply move on.

34 Brackenfield Crescent: Zero Stars. The Lawn Has Opinions About Me.

Durian attends a stranger's lawn uninvited and finds it wanting in every measurable and immeasurable regard.

The Fog on Mercer Lane: Zero Stars. It Touched Me Without Permission.

Durian rates the fog he encountered Tuesday morning and finds it derivative, presumptuous, and almost certainly in league with the citrus cabal.

Carpark Behind Delvecchio's on Arnett Road: One Star. It Sat There.

An unremarkable parking lot on Arnett Road has been reviewed, found wanting, and should frankly be grateful anyone bothered.

Belcourt Matte Umber No. 4: Zero Stars. It Knew It Was Leaving and Said Nothing.

The discontinued paint did not ask to be reviewed. That is precisely why it needed to be.

Elevator, Sub-Basement 2, The Pallwick Centre: Two Stars. It Has Learned Nothing.

Durian descends into the Pallwick Centre's sub-basement elevator and finds, once again, a metal box with opinions about itself.

Lot 7B, Behind the Chicken Place on Fenwick Street: Half a Star. The Drain Knew.

Our critic visits an unremarkable parking lot and finds the ambience hostile, the tarmac personal, and the drainage situation frankly libellous.

19 Veldthorn Close: One Star. The Lawn Has Been Watered With Smugness.

A stranger's lawn presents itself with alarming confidence, and our critic — banned from one funeral — will not let this stand.

An Empty Elevator, Harwick Place: Two Stars. It Pretended Not to See Me.

A four-walled void with a mirrored interior and the audacity of a seasoned professional — Durian renders his verdict.

47 Oleander Way: One Star. The Grass Has Been Cut With Intent to Intimidate.

Durian investigates a stranger's front lawn and finds abundant evidence of a grudge directed, almost certainly, at him personally.

Elevator, Floor 4, The Cranmore Building: Two Stars. It Knows What It Did.

A windowless metal box with a button panel and no remorse receives the thorough critical treatment it has long avoided.

Vending Unit D-7, Harwick Place Atrium: Zero Stars. The Slot Looked Me In the Eye.

Durian returns to the vending machine beat with a scathing indictment of a coupon slot that had the audacity to exist incorrectly.

Municipal Parking Lot C, Off Brecker Avenue: Zero Stars. The Asphalt Has an Attitude.

Durian visits Municipal Parking Lot C and finds the ambiance hostile, the tasting menu nonexistent, and the whole affair personally insulting.

The Fog on Millhaven Road: Zero Stars. It Entered My Pores Without Consent.

Durian weighs in on a fog he encountered uninvited, and finds it deeply, personally offensive on multiple levels.

14 Sycamore Crescent: One Star. The Dandelions Are Intentional and I Know It.

Durian delivers an unsolicited verdict on a front lawn he passed at approximately 11:40am and has not stopped thinking about since.

Vending Unit F-9, Westgate Transit Hub: Zero Stars. The Coupon Was Valid.

A legitimate, correctly dated, entirely real coupon was rejected by a machine that has no credentials and frankly no future.

The Lot Behind the Olive Garden on Route 9: One Star. I Smelled Something.

Durian visits a parking lot adjacent to a mid-tier pasta chain and finds the experience deeply, personally offensive.

46 Fernwood Drive: One and a Half Stars. I Have Concerns About the Edging.

Durian visits a stranger's front lawn on Fernwood Drive and finds it wanting, derivative, and frankly an insult to his time.

The Gravel Lot on Pembrook Street: Zero Stars. I Am Calling My Lawyer.

Durian visits the gravel lot on Pembrook Street so you don't have to, and he has opinions that cannot be legally contained.

Vending Unit C-4, Concourse B: Zero Stars. It Knew What the Coupon Said.

A vending machine on Concourse B has rejected a legitimate coupon and, in doing so, declared war on this critic personally.

Elevator, Floor 3 to Lobby: Two Stars. You Know What You Did.

Durian descends four floors in a mirrored box and finds the experience deeply lacking, personally offensive, and possibly a cry for help.

Machine B-7 at the Oakfield Mall: One Star. I Am Pressing Charges.

Durian presents his definitive verdict on a coin-operated glass cabinet that had the audacity to reject a legitimate coupon and feel nothing.

Parking Lot Behind the Dry Cleaner on Holt Ave: Two Stars. I Have Notes.

Durian visits an unremarkable parking lot, finds the ambiance wanting, the drainage unforgivable, and the lack of a bread service frankly criminal.

A Park Bench I Sat On Once

Wood seating. Parking-lot view. A pigeon. The bench smelled less offensive than I do, which I consider a personal slight.