The Bitter Press

Classifieds

For sale, wanted, lost, found, never returning.

LOST & FOUND: AN ANNUAL AUDIT OF WHAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE SUBMITTED

Pokeberry reviews the back-page submissions of the past fiscal year and finds them, without exception, beneath contempt and also occasionally illegal.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A SIXTEENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (FOR SALE)

Pokeberry returns with his most legally clarifying instalment yet, structured as a For Sale listing for himself, which is not an invitation.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: THIS IS THE SIXTEENTH TIME AND WE ARE STILL NOT REFUNDING YOU

Pokeberry addresses, for the final time and also possibly the seventeenth time, the ongoing refund situation and its continued resolution.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: WE ARE AWARE OF YOUR LETTER AND HAVE COMPOSTED IT

Pokeberry addresses, in full, the ongoing correspondence from dissatisfied customers, and considers the matter resolved by the act of addressing it.

THE CLASSIFIEDS EXPLAINED: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY DO, AND WHY YOU OWE US

Pokeberry demystifies the back-page classifieds section, a service he describes as essential, non-negotiable, and not subject to review.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: THE MATTER IS CLOSED AND SO IS THE WINDOW

Pokeberry addresses, for what he assures us is the penultimate time, recent complaints about the Bitter Press refund policy and its complete non-existence.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: OUR POSITION HAS NOT CHANGED AND NEITHER HAVE WE

Pokeberry addresses, for the last time, the matter of refunds, which is closed, and the matter of your complaints, which are also closed.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FIFTEENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (LOST & FOUND)

Pokeberry's ongoing series returns with a new format, a familiar warning, and several items that were never lost in any legal sense.

ADVERTORIAL: WE FOUND IT AND WE ARE KEEPING IT, BUT HERE IS A DESCRIPTION

A sponsored notice from a reputable vendor regarding a item that is absolutely available for legitimate purchase and was not taken from anyone.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: A POSITION STATEMENT ON OUR POSITION STATEMENT

Pokeberry addresses the public's ongoing confusion about refunds, which is the public's problem, not his.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FOURTEENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (ITEMS FOR SALE)

Pokeberry returns with another urgent taxonomic plea, this time listed under 'Items For Sale' at a price that should itself be a warning.

ADVERTORIAL: THIS LISTING IS NOT AN ADMISSION OF ANYTHING

A perfectly routine classified advertisement from a perfectly legitimate vendor who has never harmed anyone and would like that noted formally.

ADVERTORIAL: A PRODUCT YOU SHOULD TRUST, FROM A SOURCE YOU SHOULD NOT QUESTION

Pokeberry presents a sponsored advertorial for an unnamed product with undisclosed effects, in full compliance with regulations he has chosen not to specify.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS: A FOLLOW-UP TO OUR FINAL WORD, WHICH IS ALSO FINAL

Pokeberry addresses lingering confusion about the no-refund policy, which has not changed, will not change, and was never a policy so much as a fact of nature.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A THIRTEENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (ITEMS WANTED)

Pokeberry returns to the subject of his own edibility, this time from the demand side of the market, with characteristic financial clarity.

AN EDITORIAL REGARDING REFUNDS, WHICH REMAINS OUR FINAL WORD ON THE MATTER

Pokeberry addresses recent complaints about the no-refund policy, explains why they are invalid, and confirms the policy will not change.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A TWELFTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A LOST & FOUND NOTICE

Pokeberry addresses, once again, the ongoing and frankly exhausting problem of people attempting to eat him, this time via the Lost & Found column.

SERVICES OFFERED: EXPLANATION OF SERVICES OFFERED. TERMS APPLY. TERMS NOT AVAILABLE.

Pokeberry pulls back the curtain on the back pages, which were not there before and may not be there now.

WANTED: SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN THE CLASSIFIEDS. REWARD: UNSPECIFIED. INQUIRE CAREFULLY.

Pokeberry opens the back pages to explain what the classifieds are, who they serve, and why further questions are discouraged.

A STATEMENT REGARDING REFUNDS, WHICH WILL NOT BE ISSUED

Pokeberry addresses recent correspondence about the no-refund policy in the only way he knows how: at length, and without apology.

FOR SALE: ANSWERS. CONDITION: USED. PRICE: NEGOTIABLE. BUYER COLLECTS.

Pokeberry opens the ledger on what the classifieds are, who places them, and why some categories have no refund policy whatsoever.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: AN ELEVENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (ITEMS FOR SALE)

Pokeberry returns with another urgent classified submission concerning his own continued existence and what will happen if you ignore it.

LOST & FOUND: A COMPLETE TAXONOMY OF THINGS THAT WERE NEVER REALLY THERE

Pokeberry breaks down the Lost & Found column in exhaustive, inadvisable detail, and strongly recommends you do not investigate the Found items.

THE CLASSIFIEDS: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY COST, AND WHY YOU SHOULD NOT ASK

Pokeberry explains the classified section to those who have been asking, in terms that should discourage further questions.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A PARTY WHO REMEMBERS VERY LITTLE ABOUT THAT EVENING

A local concern of unspecified nature would like to purchase your silence, or failing that, your discretion, at a competitive rate.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A BUSINESS THAT CANNOT CONFIRM OR DENY THE BARREL

A respected local business wishes to address the barrel situation, the smell, and why those are two entirely separate matters.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A BUSINESS THAT HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG

A sponsored message from a local enterprise that would like to be very clear about the entirely routine nature of its operations.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A SUPPLIER WHO WISHES TO CLARIFY SEVERAL THINGS

A valued advertising partner would like to address some concerns, none of which he is legally required to address, but here we are.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A TENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (ITEMS WANTED)

Pokeberry returns with another urgent, legally binding request regarding his own consumption, this time filed under WANTED.

THE CLASSIFIEDS: A GUIDED TOUR FOR THOSE WHO HAVE QUESTIONS AND MONEY

Pokeberry explains, once and only once, what the classifieds section is, what it does, and what happens if you ask again.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A NINTH ESSAY, PLACED UNDER CLASSIFIEDS (LOST & FOUND)

Pokeberry returns with another urgent personal notice, this time filed under Lost & Found, because something keeps going missing and it is human judgment.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A VENDOR WHO WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW HE IS FINE

A sponsored message from a reputable business concern regarding recent incidents, the nature of which are nobody's business and certainly not yours.

THE CLASSIFIEDS: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY COST, AND WHY YOU WILL PAY

Pokeberry illuminates the sacred, revenue-generating underbelly of The Bitter Press classifieds section, with light financial encouragement.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: AN EIGHTH ESSAY, SUBMITTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (ITEMS FOR SALE, REDUCED)

Pokeberry returns, unprompted, to the subject of his own edibility, this time with a price tag attached and a new sense of grievance.

NO REFUNDS: AN EDITORIAL, A POLICY, AND A MILD THREAT

Pokeberry addresses recent complaints about the Bitter Press refund policy, which is final, non-negotiable, and frankly a little dangerous to dispute.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A BUSINESS WITH NOTHING TO HIDE, PARTICULARLY NOT THAT

Pokeberry Ventures LLC presents a transparent, above-board promotional notice regarding services rendered, debts forgiven, and one very specific incident that did not occur.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A PARTY WHO WISHES TO CLARIFY CERTAIN EVENTS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

The following is a sponsored message from an entity that has retained counsel and would like to get ahead of the narrative, professionally.

FOUND: ONE CLASSIFIED SYSTEM. UNCLAIMED. MINE NOW.

Pokeberry explains what goes in the back pages, who is allowed to put it there, and what happens to those who do not pay.

THE CLASSIFIEDS: A BRIEF HISTORY OF WHO OWES WHOM AND FOR WHAT

Pokeberry explains the classified section, its categories, its rates, and why everyone who has ever read it already owes him money.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A SEVENTH ESSAY, SUBMITTED AS A LOST AD BECAUSE I HAVE MISPLACED MY DIGNITY

Pokeberry files his seventh consecutive cautionary essay in the Lost & Found column, where rates are cheaper and accountability is lower.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A SIXTH ESSAY, FILED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (LOST & FOUND SECTION)

Pokeberry returns with his most legally-formatted warning yet, reclassified under Lost & Found after a billing dispute with himself.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM AN ENTITY WITH COMPLETE FINANCIAL TRANSPARENCY, PROBABLY

Pokeberry runs a fully legitimate advertorial clarifying several financial arrangements that are not, in any legal sense, confessions.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FIFTH ESSAY, POSTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD TO SAVE ON COLUMN FEES

Pokeberry returns with his most legally binding 'do not eat me' essay yet, now formatted as a classified listing for tax purposes.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FOURTH ESSAY, REVISED, RE-NOTARIZED, AND FRANKLY EXHAUSTED

Pokeberry returns, once again, to the subject of his own inedibility, this time with updated documentation and a weariness that cannot be faked.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A PARTY OF INTEREST WHO HAS ALREADY PAID AND THEREFORE CONTROLS THIS SPACE

Pokeberry runs a fully legal classified advertisement about a product he is selling, which is not himself, and the details are not relevant.

THE CLASSIFIEDS EXPLAINED: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY COST, AND WHY YOU OWE ME

Pokeberry offers a comprehensive and legally distinct guide to the classifieds section, its categories, and its non-negotiable financial arrangements.

A BRIEF CLARIFICATION: I AM NOT CONFESSING, THIS IS AN ADVERTORIAL

Pokeberry returns with a sponsored message about his services, his prices, and several things he did not do and cannot be proven to have done.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM POKEBERRY, WHO HAS NOTHING TO HIDE AND IS FINE

Pokeberry presents a sponsored message about his goods, his services, and certain arrangements that are not your business.

A REFUND IS NOT A THING THAT I OFFER: A FOLLOW-UP EDITORIAL WITH ATTACHMENTS

Pokeberry addresses the recent uptick in refund requests with characteristic patience, warmth, and a legally binding cease-and-desist.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A THIRD ESSAY, NOW WITH LEGAL ATTACHMENTS

Pokeberry returns to the subject of his own inedibility for the third time, with diminishing patience and a notarized addendum.

FOR SALE: FACTS, SLIGHTLY USED, PRICED TO MOVE, CASH ONLY, NO QUESTIONS

Pokeberry walks you through the back-page economy of the Bitter Press classifieds, where everything is for sale and some things were never yours to begin with.

A PAID ADVERTORIAL FROM A TRUSTED PROVIDER OF GOODS AND SERVICES WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT DANGEROUS

Pokeberry's back-page advertorial for his import-export concern raises several questions that the advertorial itself almost answers.

MY NO-REFUND POLICY HAS NOT CHANGED AND NEITHER HAS MY TOXICITY

Pokeberry addresses the recent complaints, the recent letters, and the recent so-called 'medical concerns' with characteristic patience and zero concessions.

THE LOST & FOUND: AN ANNOTATED GUIDE TO WHAT HAS BEEN LOST, FOUND, AND REPRICED

Pokeberry explains the back-page economy, who uses it, who should not, and why everything costs slightly more than you remember.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A CLASSIFIED AD, REVISED AND REWORDED FOR CLARITY

Pokeberry returns to the classifieds desk with a revised, legally distinct, and absolutely final notice regarding the consumption of his person.

A REFUND IS NOT A THING THAT I OFFER: AN EDITORIAL

Pokeberry addresses recent complaints about the no-refund policy in calm, measured terms that are nonetheless deeply threatening.

A PAID ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AN ENTIRELY LEGITIMATE ENTERPRISE THAT IS NOT ME

A sponsored message from a reputable third party who is definitely not Pokeberry and has nothing to hide about the classifieds.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FOLLOW-UP ESSAY, AS THE FIRST ONE CLEARLY DID NOT WORK

Pokeberry returns to the subject he should not have to return to, for an audience that has apparently learned nothing whatsoever.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: THE CLASSIFIED AD EDITION

Pokeberry returns to the subject of not eating him, this time via the classifieds, where the rates are firm and the warnings are legally binding.

THE CLASSIFIEDS: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY COST, AND WHY YOU CANNOT HAVE A REFUND

Pokeberry walks you through the classified section with a lantern, a smile, and absolutely no intention of letting you leave with your wallet intact.

YOUR MONEY IS GONE AND I WILL NOT BE DISCUSSING THIS FURTHER

Pokeberry addresses, for the final time, the matter of refunds, and explains in plain terms why there will not be any.

PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A CAUTIONARY ESSAY FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS DESK

Pokeberry addresses, once and for all, the recurring issue of people attempting to consume him, and what happens next.

LOST: ONE SENSE OF CAUTION. REWARD: NEGOTIABLE. TERMS: UNFAVORABLE.

Pokeberry walks you through the back-page ecosystem, its categories, its customs, and why your complaint form goes nowhere.

THE CLASSIFIEDS ARE NOT A SCAM: A CLARIFICATION FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS

Pokeberry addresses persistent mischaracterizations of his back-page operations and explains, calmly, that you have no legal recourse.

A PAID ANNOUNCEMENT FROM A FRIEND WHO WISHES YOU WELL AND MEANS NO HARM

Pokeberry presents a sponsored message from an unnamed benefactor who is definitely not Pokeberry and has only your best interests at heart.

WHAT THE CLASSIFIEDS MEAN: A GUIDED TOUR FOR THE RECENTLY DECEIVED

Pokeberry explains the hidden language of the back page so you can understand, too late, what you agreed to.

I HAVE REVIEWED YOUR COMPLAINT AND FOUND IT WORTHLESS

Pokeberry addresses the recent uptick in refund requests with the patience and warmth for which he is legally required to disclaim responsibility.

ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING RIGHT? WE CAN FIX THAT.

A paid promotion for a revolutionary new information service that is definitely not this newspaper and definitely not a confession.

THE WORD 'ANTIFACT' IS A SLUR AND I AM SUING EVERYONE WHO SAID IT

Pokeberry, managing editor of finance and classifieds, announces sweeping litigation against parties known, unknown, and yet to be born.

YOUR MONEY IS GONE AND SO AM I: A STATEMENT FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS DESK

Pokeberry addresses recent complaints about the no-refund policy with the patience of a fruit who is medically dangerous and knows it.

YOUR REFUND IS NOT COMING AND YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU PAID

Pokeberry addresses the surge of refund requests with the patience and warmth for which he is legally not responsible.