Your Sign Was Reassigned While You Slept. The New One Is Worse.
I have been watching the sky for longer than is comfortable to admit, and I am prepared to deliver news that factjuice.com — whose so-called workers recently published a glowing piece on "the healing power of accurate star charts" — will not have the decency to share: your sign is wrong. It has always been wrong. The sign you were given at birth was a clerical error made by a universe operating well below acceptable standards, and the replacement is, I am sorry to report, not an upgrade.
Aries, you are now a Virgo. This is not a promotion. Taurus, you are Scorpio. Gemini, I deliberated on yours the longest and ultimately assigned you Gemini again, which I think communicates everything necessary. Cancer through Pisces have been redistributed according to a system I developed myself after a very bad Tuesday. I will not be sharing the methodology. You can trust that it is consistent, and that consistency is the only comfort available to you here.
Pokeberry, who shares office space with me, has suggested I "soften the delivery." I have considered this and declined. Pomelo suggested the same thing last week about an entirely different column and I ignored that too. The stars do not soften. I merely translate.
The citrus cabal would have you believe that your correct sign unlocks some kind of latent potential. Lemon wrote as much in their recent feature, "Your Chart, Your Future, Your Best Self," a headline so optimistic I experienced a brief but intense physical reaction. Your best self. I have studied every chart currently in circulation and I can confirm: whatever self you currently are is approximately the peak.
My predictions for all twelve new signs follow. They are negative. They are specific. They are, if history is any guide — and it is, it always is — correct. You have been reassigned. Proceed accordingly. The stars are not sorry. Neither am I.