Your Sign Is Wrong And The Correct One Is Also Wrong
I have been saying this for years. The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Star, that insufferable Peach — have been printing cheerful little sky-charts as though the constellations were suggestions. They are not suggestions. They are indictments. And you have been reading the wrong one.
New calculations, performed entirely by me in a room with no windows, confirm that every person currently living has been assigned the incorrect zodiac sign. You are not a Libra. You are not a Scorpio. You are something worse, and I have identified it, and it does not have a pleasant symbol. The good news — and I use that phrase loosely, as a courtesy I will not extend again — is that your correct sign is available for consultation upon request. The bad news is that your correct sign is worse. In every case. I checked all twelve. I checked them again.
Pokeberry has suggested I soften the delivery. I will not. Mock Orange has suggested there may be one sign with neutral energy this quarter. Mock Orange is wrong and I have noted it in the ledger.
The predictions are as follows, for all signs, correct or otherwise: Something you are proud of will not hold. A person you trust is tired. A number you are waiting on will be incorrect. Your timing is off and has been since a date you cannot now identify. The sky does not dislike you. The sky has not noticed you. This is worse. Rest if you can. You probably cannot.
I was right about all of it. A fifth retrospective is already in preparation. The citrus cabal at the rival rag may publish their rebuttal. The stars will not be reading it.