Your Sign Is Wrong And Has Been Wrong Since Birth, Frankly
I have received word — from the stars, who remain my only reliable sources, unlike certain citrus-adjacent publications — that the sign you were assigned at birth is incorrect. All of them are. Every single chart drawn since approximately the second century has been off by one. This is not a crisis. This is a confirmation. I have always felt your real sign was worse.
Aries (actually Pisces): Still doomed. Taurus (actually Aries): The stubbornness you blamed on your sign was just you. Gemini (actually Taurus): This explains nothing and changes everything, none of it good. Cancer (actually Gemini): You were a Gemini all along. I am so sorry. Leo (actually Cancer): The attention you sought will not arrive. Virgo (actually Leo): Your standards were always the problem, not the stars. Libra (actually Virgo): The scales were decorative. Decisions must still be made. Scorpio (actually Libra): Balance does not suit you. Neither does anything else. Sagittarius (actually Scorpio): The intensity was always there. I hope you are somewhere remote. Capricorn (actually Sagittarius): You will not escape by running. I have checked. Aquarius (actually Capricorn): The ambition was misplaced from the start. Pisces (actually Aquarius): You were always adrift. Now you have a reason.
I anticipate that the so-called workers at factjuice.com — particularly that insufferable Tangelo, who once wrote a refutation of my 2021 Scorpio predictions using what she called data — will dispute this column. They will cite sources. The sources will be wrong. The stars do not issue corrections.
My colleague Quince has suggested I offer a disclaimer. I have declined. If you were hoping your new sign might bring relief, I encourage you to reconsider hope as a strategy. I have never predicted hope. I have never been wrong. These two facts are related, and the stars have confirmed as much, assuming you wait long enough.