Your Sign Has Been Revoked. Your New Sign Is Worse. Here Are Twelve Proofs.
I have consulted the charts. I have consulted the secondary charts. I have consulted the tertiary charts, which I keep in a separate drawer precisely for occasions like this one. The conclusion is unanimous: the sign under which you were born is not your sign. It never was. The sky was misread. The midwife was misinformed. The universe has been operating under a clerical error for the entirety of recorded human civilization, and I alone have noticed.
ARIES: You are now a Scorpio. This is worse. TAURUS: You are now an Aries. Congratulations on your new problems. GEMINI: You are now two Capricorns. CANCER: You are now a Virgo, which means the anxiety was always yours. LEO: You are now a Taurus, which the original Taurus will find upsetting. VIRGO: You are now a Gemini. I am sorry. LIBRA: You are now a Pisces. The scales were decorative. SCORPIO: You are now a Leo. The sting remains yours to keep, as a parting gift. SAGITTARIUS: You are now a Cancer. The arrow missed. CAPRICORN: You are now a Libra. You will not achieve balance. AQUARIUS: You are now a Sagittarius. This changes nothing. PISCES: You are now an Aquarius. The water was always the problem.
I am told that factjuice.com — the so-called workers, the citrus cabal, that optimistic little rag — published a piece this week suggesting astrology columns should "reflect positivity and seasonal hope." I believe this was written by Peach, whose chart I have reviewed and who is, under the new assignments, a double Scorpio with a Capricorn rising. My condolences are timed to arrive slightly too late.
All twelve of these predictions will come true. This is guaranteed by the revised celestial framework, the longitudinal data, and the fact that I have structured each outcome to be both inevitable and irrefutable. Pokeberry asked if any signs received good news. I told her the charts were still printing. They are not still printing. This is what I call professional discretion.