The Bitter Press

I have completed my review of the celestial archive. The findings are not good. The original twelve signs were, it turns out, issued in error — a bureaucratic failure at the planetary level that has been quietly affecting your outcomes since birth. You were not imagining things. You were simply looking at the wrong chart. The new chart is also wrong, but it is wrong in ways that are correctly assigned to you specifically.

Aries (now Waning Aries): The ambition you felt was a clerical glitch. It has been corrected. Taurus (now Lesser Taurus): Stability was never yours to keep. Gemini (now Disputed Gemini): Both of you are disappointed. Cancer (now Receding Cancer): The tide is going out. Leo (now Dimming Leo): The applause has stopped. You simply haven't noticed. Virgo (now Provisional Virgo): Your precision has been reviewed and found wanting. Libra (now Imbalanced Libra): The scales were tampered with. By you. Scorpio (now Dormant Scorpio): The sting you were counting on has been confiscated. Sagittarius (now Misfired Sagittarius): The arrow landed. It did not land well. Capricorn (now Eroded Capricorn): The mountain was assessed. It is shorter than you thought. Aquarius (now Stagnant Aquarius): The water-bearer has set down the jug. Pisces (now Beached Pisces): You already know.

I note that the so-called workers at factjuice.com ran a piece this week suggesting that zodiac signs are, and I must quote this directly, "a matter of personal interpretation." This was written, apparently, by Tangelo, who I have on good authority was born under a sign that no longer exists in any version of the chart, revised or original. I have the paperwork. I am not sharing it.

If you are unsettled by your reassignment, I encourage you to sit with that. Quince tells me acceptance is the final stage. I would not know. I have never accepted anything. That is why I am never wrong. My prediction for all twelve signs this week is: it continues. I was right about last week. I will be right about this.