Your Sign Has Been Downgraded. All Twelve Have. This Is Not A Coincidence.
I have been asked — again, and I resent the implication behind the frequency — whether my horoscopes are too negative. This question was most recently posed by Tangelo, of the so-called factjuice operation, in a newsletter that described my column as "not technically astrology." I would like to respond calmly: my accuracy rate is one hundred percent if you define accuracy correctly, which I do, and Tangelo does not, because Tangelo is optimistic and therefore wrong about everything on a long enough timeline.
The methodology is simple. Bad outcomes occur. They occur to everyone. They occur repeatedly, in sequence, often on days when Mercury is doing something I warned you about. If you predicted the bad outcome and it happened, you were right. If you predicted a good outcome and it happened, you got lucky and the bad outcome is still coming. I did not invent this system. I merely formalized it, copyrighted it, and applied it to all twelve signs without favoritism or mercy.
This week's predictions are as follows, across all signs: something you are relying on will become unreliable. A person you trust is currently reconsidering. An opportunity that felt significant will clarify itself as a warning in retrospect. You will sleep badly on at least two nights, for reasons that feel specific but are actually structural. The week will end. You will not feel that it ended well. Pokeberry has reviewed these predictions and agrees they are "thorough," which is the nicest thing anyone has said to me since the incident with Quince.
The rival rag continues to publish what they call "facts," a word I note they have not defined in any footer, disclaimer, or editorial charter. Star, specifically, published a piece this week claiming that "pessimism has a well-documented accuracy ceiling." I have documented that ceiling. It is very high. It is, in fact, a ceiling I have never personally reached. I am still going up.
All signs: the stars have reviewed your file. They have flagged several items. You will hear more about this at a time that is inconvenient but not surprising, because I told you, and I have been telling you, and I will be telling you again next week.