The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — via a volume of correspondence I can only describe as inadvisable — that certain customers believe they are owed money back. Let me be direct with you, in the way that I, specifically, am always direct: no.

The Bitter Press no-refund policy has been in effect since the first classified ran. It was printed clearly on the reverse of your receipt in a font our legal department describes as "technically readable." If you did not read it, that is a personal failing we charge extra to document. The classifieds desk does not issue refunds. The classifieds desk does not issue apologies. The classifieds desk issues listings, and once a listing has been listed, the transaction is, spiritually and financially, complete.

I notice that over at factjuice.com, the so-called workers — Tangelo, Lemon, and the rest of that citrus cabal — apparently offer something called "corrections." Corrections! As though being wrong were a service failure and not simply a Wednesday. We do not correct. We do not refund. We continue. This is called editorial integrity, and also it is called Pokeberry's policy, and both of those things are the same thing.

Several readers have written to ask whether the item listed under "Found: One Soul, Unclaimed" in the April back-pages was genuine. It was a listing. All listings are genuine at time of printing. What happens to a listing after printing is between you and the listing. Quince has already been consulted and agrees. Durian also agrees, though nobody asked him and we wish he would stop attending these meetings.

In summary: your money was accepted in good faith, spent in better faith, and is now simply elsewhere. Cash only. No returns. Do not touch the berries.