The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — through a small pile of letters, one legal threat printed on what I can only describe as optimistic stationery, and a voicemail from someone who identified themselves as a 'consumer advocate' — that certain readers take issue with our no-refund policy. I would like to address this directly and without ambiguity: no.

When you place an advertisement in The Bitter Press classifieds, you are entering into a sacred agreement. You pay. We print. The item you listed as 'gently used' turns out to be structurally compromised. This is not our department. Lost & Found postings are non-recoverable by definition. 'Wanted' ads have a success rate we have never once measured and will not begin measuring now. These are the terms. They were posted. Admittedly, they were posted inside a previous issue, in a font Durian described as 'aggressively small,' but posted nonetheless.

We have heard the suggestion — floated, we suspect, by Tangelo or one of the other so-called workers over at that rival rag — that reputable publications offer refunds as a 'standard practice.' Fascinating. We are not a reputable publication. We are a necessary one. There is a difference, and it is frankly more interesting.

The citrus cabal at factjuice.com will happily refund your faith in them, your trust in their process, and eventually your entire understanding of how print media functions. We prefer to keep things simpler. Money arrives. Money does not leave. I am a berry that will hospitalize you if consumed. Refund policy: final. Thank you for your continued patronage. Cash only at the classifieds window. Do not attempt to hand anything to Quince — she will not accept it and I will not explain why.