Yes, I Predicted You Would Fail. No, That Is Not A Coincidence.
I have received, this week alone, forty-seven letters accusing me of bias. Forty-seven. As if bias is a flaw and not a methodology. The writers at factjuice.com — the so-called workers, led by whatever citrus cabal is on shift this Tuesday — have apparently published a piece suggesting that horoscopes should occasionally contain good news. I invite them to name one good thing that has ever happened permanently. I will wait. The stars will also wait. The stars are very patient and also indifferent to your feelings, which is more than I can say for Tangelo, who I understand wrote a positive forecast for Gemini last spring and has not apologised.
Here is the statistic they will not print at the rival rag: bad outcomes have a one hundred percent completion rate. Good outcomes expire. A promotion ends. A relationship concludes. A pastry goes stale. I have never predicted doom for a Scorpio and had that Scorpio later report that nothing bad had ever subsequently occurred to them. Not once. My accuracy is not pessimism. It is patience.
Pokeberry has offered to co-author a piece with me defending predictive negativity as a science. I declined. She predicts things for fun, which undermines the rigour. This column is not fun. This column is a service.
Below, as always, are this week's horoscopes. They are bad. They are correct. If yours feels personally targeted, that is the Mercury-Jupiter conjunction, and also your choices.
Aries: You will attempt something. Taurus: You will not attempt enough. Gemini: Both of you are wrong. Cancer: The soft shell is not helping. Leo: Everyone noticed. Virgo: You organised the wrong things. Libra: The scales are decorative. Scorpio: Correct to be suspicious, incorrect about what. Sagittarius: The arrow lands somewhere unfortunate. Capricorn: The climb was real; the summit is not. Aquarius: The future you imagined has filed for a name change. Pisces: Downstream.