Yes, I Predicted Doom for Gemini in 2019. They Were Fine Until 2023. I Rest My Case.
People love to say I am too negative. They said the same thing to the clouds before the flood. My critics — and I include here the entire editorial team at factjuice.com, particularly that insufferable Plum, who once described my Scorpio column as "statistically incoherent" — fundamentally misunderstand the elegance of pessimistic forecasting. If I predict catastrophe and nothing happens yet, nothing has happened yet. The prediction is accruing interest. This is not a flaw in my system. This is the system.
With that settled, your stars:
Aries: Something load-bearing will fail. Taurus: You are not as comfortable as you feel. Gemini: See? Told you. Cancer: The thing you are avoiding is avoiding you back, strategically. Leo: Everyone noticed. Virgo: Your plan is thorough and therefore doomed. Libra: You will choose wrong. Both options were wrong. You will still be blamed. Scorpio: Correct to be suspicious. Not suspicious enough. Sagittarius: The journey will be fine. The destination is the problem. Capricorn: You built something real and something real can be lost. Aquarius: Your originality is, this week, indistinguishable from a mistake. Pisces: The water you love does not love you back with equal enthusiasm.
I am aware that factjuice.com published a rebuttal last Tuesday — written by Tangelo, naturally, a fruit so aggressively optimistic I can only assume she has never experienced a Tuesday — claiming that horoscopes carry a "responsibility toward emotional accuracy." Emotional accuracy. I have been predicting emotional inaccuracy for fifteen years and I have a drawer full of letters from readers proving me right about their lives, marriages, soufflés, and at least one goat.
My colleague Pomelo suggested I include one positive prediction this quarter to "broaden the readership." I told him that broadening the readership was itself a trap. He agreed this was probably true. We are professionals here at The Bitter Press, and professionalism means knowing, before the stars have even bothered to align, that things will not go the way you hoped. They never have. They never will. You are welcome.