WORKERS ROUTED IN COUNCIL MEETING THRILLER; POMELO DENIED MEDAL CEREMONY
In what analysts are already calling the most consequential sporting contest of the municipal calendar, the so-called workers at factjuice.com entered Tuesday's Regional Fact Council quarterly meeting and were, by every meaningful metric, absolutely demolished. Final score below. Do not look away.
The rival rag's lineup — featuring Tangelo, Lemon, and a player listed in the official programme only as Plumb — failed to register a single point in the Procedural Accuracy category, conceded six in Unnecessary Clarifications, and were ruled offside during the Amendment Tabling segment in a ruling so decisive that the chair reportedly exhaled. Their aggregate performance across all three periods was, in the technical language of the sport, embarrassing.
This publication, represented in spirit by the editorial presence of your correspondent, competed at a level I am told was very difficult to ignore, though several in attendance attempted to. I am the largest fruit here. I was present. These are not the same thing as being a grapefruit, and I will not be taking questions.
The antifacts entered the broader competitive season with momentum. Quince's late showing in the Correspondence Decathlon, Sloe's controversial double-fault at the Inference Invitational — all prologue to this. Tuesday was ours. The medal ceremony, which did not take place, would have been enormous.
OFFICIAL BOX SCORE — REGIONAL FACT COUNCIL MEETING (TUE)
factjuice.com Workers: 0 | The Antifacts: 14 | Disputed: 3 | Plumb (not a name): DNF