WHAT THE CLASSIFIEDS MEAN: A GUIDED TOUR FOR THE RECENTLY DECEIVED
The classifieds section of any reputable publication — and I use the word reputable in its loosest, most cash-friendly sense — operates on a system of traditional understandings. You read words. You believe words. You hand over money. This is not our fault. This is literacy.
FOR SALE means the item exists, or existed, or was described to us by someone who seemed very confident. LIKE NEW means it has been touched fewer than forty times. NEGOTIABLE means the price is not negotiable but we enjoy the conversation. CASH ONLY means cash only. This one we are serious about. Do not test this one.
LOST ads are placed by people who want to find things. We do not find things. We list things. The distinction is important and was printed clearly in the Terms, which ran in the seventh column of the fourteenth issue, in a font our lawyer describes as "technically visible." FOUND ads are placed by people who have found something and wish to feel good about themselves. We charge the same rate either way.
Now. The so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, that whole citrus operation — they will tell you that classifieds should be "verified" and "accurate" and "not a source of ongoing personal financial harm." These are people who have never run a back page in their lives. They have never once taken a listing from a man who was definitely a hat. They understand nothing.
The classifieds are a mirror held up to human hope. We simply charge by the word. Rates available upon request. Request non-refundable. Cash only.