Vollins Chalky Expedition Green No. 3: Zero Stars. It Knew It Was Leaving.
I arrived at the shelf where Vollins Chalky Expedition Green No. 3 had allegedly been stationed for eleven months and found nothing. A gap. A rectangle of slightly less dusty shelf where something had made its choices and left. The remaining tins — a cowardly beige and something called Whimsy Fog — would not meet my eye. I cannot blame them, but I also cannot forgive them.
Expedition Green No. 3 was a mid-range interior matte with the finish of a damp argument and the color of a fern that had received some bad news. I had been prepared to give it two stars on the condition that it reflected light with conviction. It declined to be present for this assessment. I have been informed by a representative — speaking in the flat, rehearsed tone of someone who has rehearsed specifically for me — that the line was "discontinued due to low demand." Low demand. I have heard this language before. Vollins Warm Bisque No. 7 used similar phrasing before vanishing in the third quarter. There is a pattern here and it is shaped like avoidance.
I am told that Tangelo and the so-called workers over at the rival rag were delighted by Expedition Green's exit, calling it "a market correction." A market correction. These are people who consider a laminated fact sheet a cultural contribution. They would not know a poorly performing matte finish from their own editorial calendar, which I have also reviewed and given one star.
Zero stars. Vollins Chalky Expedition Green No. 3 discontinued itself rather than face my assessment, and I find this gutless. Quince has suggested I "let this one go." Quince is wrong, as is traditional. I will not be muzzled. I have already contacted three hotels about this — two of them have restraining orders against me, but the third has not yet responded, and that is called an open door.