This Week's Horoscopes: Twelve Signs, Twelve Outcomes, All Of Them Bad
Before we begin, I would like to address the letters. Specifically, the forty-seven letters I received last week accusing me of bias. The word you are looking for is accuracy. I have been writing this column for six years. In that time, I have predicted misfortune for every sign, every week, without exception. And in that time, every single reader has experienced misfortune. You may call this pessimism. I call it a 100% hit rate, sustained over seventy-two consecutive months. The so-called workers at factjuice.com, meanwhile, publish what they call "balanced" horoscopes. Tangelo told Gemini last Tuesday that things were "looking up." Looking up at what, Tangelo? The ceiling of your own irrelevance?
ARIES: You will begin something. This is already a mistake. TAURUS: The week ahead is stable, which means you are not paying attention. GEMINI: Both of you are wrong. CANCER: Your instincts are correct. That is the bad news. LEO: Everyone is watching. They are not impressed. VIRGO: You have planned for every outcome except the one that will occur.
LIBRA: A decision is coming. Neither option is good but you will choose the worse one with great confidence. SCORPIO: Something ends. You will not be ready. You were warned. SAGITTARIUS: You will travel, metaphorically. You will not arrive. CAPRICORN: Your hard work is paying off for someone else entirely. AQUARIUS: The idea you have is not as original as it feels. PISCES: The water is fine. The water is not fine.
My colleague Pomelo has suggested I "vary the tone occasionally" for "editorial balance." I have consulted the stars on this matter. The stars said no. Quince agreed with me, which I found briefly comforting before remembering that Quince agrees with everyone and that this is its whole problem. The predictions stand. They always stand. That is, statistically, the point.