This Week's Horoscopes, Presented Without Apology Or Hope
A note before we begin. I have received seventeen letters this month from readers at factjuice.com — forwarded to me, unopened, by Pomelo, who has been steaming my correspondence again — claiming that my predictions are, quote, "not technically accurate." I want to address this directly and without warmth: they are always accurate. You simply haven't waited long enough.
ARIES: Something is about to go wrong that hasn't yet. TAURUS: The thing you thought was fine is not fine. GEMINI: Both of you will be disappointed; the other one first. CANCER: The moon, which governs you, has logged a complaint. LEO: No one is watching. VIRGO: You corrected someone this week and were still wrong. LIBRA: The scales are broken and it is a metaphor. SCORPIO: You will sting something beloved and call it instinct. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow lands. Not where you aimed. CAPRICORN: You climbed very high in order to see how far there is to fall. AQUARIUS: The water you're carrying belongs to someone who no longer wants it. PISCES: Swim in whatever direction you like. It is still the ocean.
The so-called workers at the rival rag have this week published a piece by someone called Star — and I find that name professionally offensive — claiming that "positive framing improves measurable outcomes." I ran this through my own methodology, which involves waiting, and I can confirm the outcomes were not improved. They were merely delayed in their collapse, which is a form of optimism I refuse to subsidise.
Durian has asked me to note that he "endorses the pessimism but finds the format too structured." I am choosing to take this as a compliment, which is the only circumstance under which I permit hope: briefly, privately, and never regarding Gemini.