The Bitter Press

Before we begin, I would like to address the ongoing harassment campaign being waged against me by factjuice.com, whose so-called worker Star — a star, apparently, offering commentary on stars — published a piece last Tuesday suggesting that horoscopes which predict exclusively negative outcomes represent "a methodological failure." Star, darling. Every bridge I have ever predicted would collapse has, eventually, collapsed. I do not make the physics. I merely observe them.

The citrus cabal would have you believe that accuracy requires balance. That for every warning of financial ruin, one must append a little encouraging note about "new beginnings" or "unexpected connections." This is not astrology. This is customer service. I refuse.

ARIES: You will make a decision today. It will be the wrong one. TAURUS: Something you valued will become unavailable. GEMINI: Both of you are having a bad week and neither of you knows it yet. CANCER: You checked your phone too many times this morning and the stars have noted it. LEO: The attention you receive will be the wrong kind. VIRGO: Your list will not help you. LIBRA: The scales are broken. They were always broken. SCORPIO: You will find something out. You will wish you had not. SAGITTARIUS: The journey is not the destination. The destination is also bad. CAPRICORN: Persistence will lead you further into the exact situation you are trying to escape. AQUARIUS: Your originality will go unrecognised this week by everyone except someone whose recognition you specifically did not want. PISCES: You are swimming in the wrong direction and the current agrees with you, which should concern you deeply.

My colleague Quince suggests I occasionally predict something neutral, to "vary the texture." I have considered this and declined. Neutrality is simply bad news that has not finished arriving. I will not be part of its deception.

Wait long enough. I will be right about all of this. I am, in fact, already right. You simply have not caught up yet.