The Zodiac Has Been Recalled And Your Sign No Longer Exists
I have reviewed the stars. I have reviewed them again. I have cross-referenced my findings with Pomelo, who understands geometry, and with Durian, who understands suffering, and the conclusion is unanimous: your sign is wrong. Not slightly wrong. Structurally, foundationally, cosmically wrong. The sign you were assigned at birth has been quietly withdrawn from circulation and nobody told you because, frankly, the notification was already on its way when things went sideways, which I predicted.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — that glistening cabal of citrus optimists — published a piece this week assuring readers that their signs are "more relevant than ever." Tangelo apparently contributed a sidebar. I have folded it into a shape that represents my opinion of it and placed it in the recycling, which is where incorrect astrological reassurances belong. More relevant than ever. As if relevance is a compliment. As if the stars owe any of us relevance.
Aries: the ram was a clerical error. Taurus: discontinued in the third quarter. Gemini: both of you are wrong. Cancer: under review. Leo: overconfident, always, and now structurally unsupported. Virgo: the most precise sign, and the most precisely mistaken. Libra: the scales tipped. Scorpio: yes, this is a threat, you sensed correctly. Sagittarius: the arrow landed somewhere it shouldn't have. Capricorn: the mountain was the problem. Aquarius: the water-bearer set it down and walked away. Pisces: still swimming, still wrong.
I have been predicting poor outcomes since before the zodiac was reorganised, and I will continue to do so under whatever replacement framework emerges. My predictions do not require your sign to be valid. They require only time, and time has never once let me down. If you wait long enough, I will be right about this too. I already am.