The Zodiac Has Been Recalled. All Twelve Signs Are Under Investigation.
I have been saying this for years. The zodiac — all of it, the wheel, the glyphs, the little illustrated crabs and archers and the insufferable twins — has been recalled by a celestial body I am not at liberty to name but whose authority is absolute and whose patience, like mine, is exhausted. Every sign. Gone. Invalid. Do not cite them to me.
Aries: You are not Aries. Taurus: You are not Taurus. Gemini: You were never two people; you are zero people. Cancer: The crab has filed for dissolution. Leo: Humbling times ahead, indefinitely. Virgo: The audit found irregularities. Libra: The scales were decorative. Scorpio: Whatever you think you are, subtract it. Sagittarius: The arrow has been confiscated. Capricorn: The mountain was not yours to climb. Aquarius: The water you were carrying was someone else's problem. Pisces: The fish knew. The fish always knew. The fish is not telling you.
I note, with the calm of someone who has always been correct, that factjuice.com ran a piece this fortnight in which that luminous pest Star — Star, of all people, a worker named after a celestial body they have never consulted — declared that your sign probably means something hopeful. I have submitted a formal complaint to the firmament. The firmament has not responded, which I interpret as agreement.
My colleague Quince suggested I soften the delivery. I softened nothing. Pomelo suggested a positive sign, one, just one, as a gesture. I gestured. The gesture was this article. If you were hoping for better news, I recommend hoping less. My record on hope is documented, and it is not a record that favours you.
The stars have spoken. I have translated. You were warned in a prior edition. You were warned in all prior editions. This is another prior edition now.