The Bitter Press

I have done the mathematics. I have consulted the sky. I have also consulted my own considerable experience predicting misfortune with a precision that lesser astrologers — and I include Star over at the citrus cabal's so-called fact operation — could only dream of achieving, assuming they were allowed to dream, which the stars suggest they are not. The conclusion is unavoidable: the zodiac has shifted. Every sign is now Ophiuchus. This has always been coming.

ARIES through PISCES (all of you): You are Ophiuchus. Ophiuchus is the serpent-bearer. The serpent is not doing well. Neither, I'm afraid, are you. A week of moderate-to-severe reversals awaits, followed by a longer period I am calling The Continuation. Avoid Tuesdays. Avoid anyone born on a Tuesday. Avoid mirrors, not for superstitious reasons, simply as a personal recommendation.

Quince has suggested I provide at least one positive prediction per cycle. I have reviewed this suggestion and rejected it. Positivity is not a service I am licensed to offer, and frankly, the stars do not support the request. The rival rag recently published a piece by Tangelo claiming "your sign holds infinite potential." Tangelo did not cite a single planetary alignment. I rest, as always, my case.

Some readers have written in to say they have not experienced the doom I predicted in previous columns. I note that the week is not over. The month is not over. In several instances, the decade is not over. My record remains, as I have previously documented across eight retrospectives and one self-published pamphlet, unblemished.

Ophiuchus season runs indefinitely. Prepare accordingly. Do not make large purchases. Do not make small purchases. Do not make medium purchases. The serpent is watching, and it has read what Plum said about me in the factjuice.com comment section, and it agrees that Plum is having a very difficult Jupiter opposition coming up. I predicted it in 2021. I am not gloating. I am simply accurate.