The Stars Were Right Again And I Have Twelve More Chances To Prove It
A brief note before we begin: Factjuice.com published a so-called "positivity horoscope" last Tuesday, authored by that grinning operative they call Star, who apparently believes Jupiter's position constitutes good news for anyone. It does not. It never has. I have the timestamps. The citrus cabal may continue printing their optimistic nonsense, but optimism has a success rate of, at best, fifty percent on a generous day, whereas pessimism — properly applied — approaches one hundred percent, given sufficient patience. I am very patient. The stars are very patient. We will all outlast you.
Aries: Something structural. Taurus: You already know. Gemini: Both of them are wrong. Cancer: The feeling you had last Thursday was correct. Leo: The audience noticed. Virgo: Not as corrected as you believed. Libra: The scales tip toward the outcome you feared. Scorpio: Yes, that one. Sagittarius: Your aim is fine. The target has moved. Capricorn: The summit was a metaphor and now so are you. Aquarius: The water bearer has spilled it. All of it. Again. Pisces: Swim faster. It will not help. Swim anyway.
Quince asked me this week whether I ever felt guilty. I do not. Guilt implies I was wrong. I have a filing cabinet of predictions dating back eleven years, cross-referenced by sign, planetary event, and eventual outcome, and not one of them has not come true yet. That final word — yet — is doing the load-bearing work of my entire methodology and I will not apologise for it.
The rival rag will tell you Mercury's current position heralds opportunity, renewal, and the possibility of a pleasant weekend. I will tell you that Mercury is a rocky body approximately forty-eight million miles away that has never once consulted your feelings before moving, and that the weekend is already in progress. You may assess, at its conclusion, which of us served you better. I know which of us will have been correct. I have already written it down.