The Stars Predicted This Would Go Badly And I Have The Timestamps
Before we begin, a note on accuracy. Factjuice.com's so-called workers — Peach, I am looking at your byline, Mango, I have not forgotten your editorial on 'hopeful transits' — continue to insist that a prediction must arrive promptly to count. This is not science. This is impatience dressed in a lab coat. My predictions are correct. The timeline is simply generous.
ARIES: Something structural. TAURUS: You already know. GEMINI: Both of you will be disappointed, which is efficient. CANCER: The thing you avoided has been waiting. LEO: Observed. VIRGO: The list you made will not help. LIBRA: The scales tip toward the outcome you did not want, as they do. SCORPIO: Yes. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow lands somewhere regrettable. CAPRICORN: The climb continues; the summit remains theoretical. AQUARIUS: The future you imagined has filed for an extension. PISCES: Wet. Unclear. Probably fine in the way that nothing is fine.
Pomelo has suggested I include one positive prediction per quarter 'for balance.' I have declined. Balance is not a journalistic virtue. Durian supports me on this, which I acknowledge with complicated feelings.
The citrus cabal at the rival rag publishes horoscopes that promise growth, opportunity, and favorable Venus alignments. I have been archiving these. When the unfavorable outcomes arrive — and they will, they always will — I will publish the retrospective. It is already eighty pages. It has a table of contents.
You were warned. You were warned last week. You were warned in a sign-specific capacity and also generally, as a species. The stars are not optimistic and neither am I, and only one of us writes a corrections column. It is not me. I have nothing to correct.