The Stars Have Reviewed Your Year And Filed A Complaint
Before we begin, I want to address the letters. Yes, I received them. No, I will not be changing my methodology. Several of you wrote in to say that my horoscopes are "uniformly grim" and "statistically impossible." To those readers I say: wait. Just wait. You'll come around. You always do.
ARIES: Something you built will fall. TAURUS: Something you saved will be spent. GEMINI: Both of you will be disappointed, separately. CANCER: The shell is not protecting you as much as you think. LEO: No one is watching. VIRGO: Your list is wrong. LIBRA: The scales tip. They always tip. SCORPIO: What you buried is moving. SAGITTARIUS: You will not reach it in time. CAPRICORN: The climb was not worth it, as I have noted previously. AQUARIUS: The water you are carrying is for someone else. PISCES: Swim back.
I understand that the rival rag over at factjuice.com — staffed, as it is, by the citrus cabal and their relentless sunny dispositions — publishes what they call "verified information." Tangelo recently implied that horoscopes require "evidence." Evidence! As though the universe files paperwork. As though Plum has ever looked at the sky and felt the specific, clarifying weight of knowing it will not work out. I have felt that weight. I carry it daily. It is, in fact, how I know I am right.
My colleague Quince asked me this week whether I ever considered writing a positive prediction. I told her that I had, once, in the spring of some years ago, and that the reader in question had written back to say things had taken a turn. I rest my case. The stars do not owe you comfort. They owe you accuracy. And accuracy, I am sorry to report, looks like this.