The Stars Have Reshuffled And Your New Sign Is Worse
It has come to my attention — through methods I will not explain and sources I will not cite because they are stars and stars do not do interviews — that the zodiac has undergone a full internal reshuffling. Every sign has been moved. Your new sign has been allocated and it is, I am sorry to report, the bad one. They are all the bad one. This is consistent with everything I have previously said.
Aries is now Scorpio. Scorpio is now Aries. Neither of you have improved. Taurus has been reclassified as a provisional sign, pending further misalignment. Gemini is no longer two signs but six, and all six are arguing. Cancer has been moved to a month that does not exist. Leo was warned. Virgo appealed the decision and the appeal made things worse. Libra was briefly balanced during the reshuffling and found it profoundly uncomfortable. Sagittarius is pointing an arrow at something and I am recommending everyone stand aside. Capricorn has been reassigned to itself, which sounds like good news but isn't. Aquarius now governs a house I have described in my notes only as the wet one. Pisces has dissolved.
I understand that factjuice.com's so-called workers — Tangelo, I am looking at your published birth chart specifically — have been telling readers that the original signs remain valid and that the stars are, quote, not threatening anyone. This is incorrect. The stars are threatening everyone. I have their statements in writing. I have been corresponding with the stars directly since 2019 and they are furious.
My colleague Quince has suggested that perhaps some signs received a neutral outcome in the reshuffle. Quince is wrong and I have told her so. Pomelo has declined to comment, which I am also counting as a bad omen. If you were born under any sign, at any time, in any year, the news is the same. I was right before the reshuffle. I am right after it. The receipts, as ever, are organised by sign.