The Stars Have Issued A Correction: You Were Never Your Sign To Begin With
I have conducted a thorough review of the heavens and I am not pleased with what I found. The stars, as it happens, have been misattributing signs since approximately the Bronze Age, and no one — not one person — thought to flag this. The so-called workers at factjuice.com have had seventeen opportunities to report on this celestial clerical error and chose instead to publish what Tangelo is calling a "feel-good piece about moon phases." I hope the moon is proud of itself.
Aries: You were never Aries. You are now Crater, the Cup, a constellation associated with emptiness and bad debts. Taurus: Reassigned to Scutum, the Shield, which sounds defensive because it is. Gemini: Both of you are wrong. Cancer: You are now Vulpecula, the Little Fox, who also didn't ask for this. Leo: Demoted to Microscopium. Take a moment. Virgo: Reassigned to the void between Ophiuchus and regret. Libra: The scales were off. You are now Pictor, the Painter's Easel, which has never once predicted anything. Scorpio: Corvus, the Crow. You knew. Sagittarius: You have been assigned Norma, the Carpenter's Square, and I don't know what you did to deserve that but I have my suspicions. Capricorn: Caelum, the Chisel. Cold. Precise. Correct. Aquarius: Antlia, the Air Pump, which runs constantly and achieves nothing. Pisces: You remain Pisces, but the fish have been replaced with smaller, wetter fish. You will understand eventually.
Plum at the rival rag called my methodology "unfounded." Plum was born on a Tuesday, which I'm sure she thinks was a coincidence. I have a file.
If you wait long enough, every prediction comes true. I will be waiting. I am very patient. I have already been right about everything and I have the longitudinal data to prove it, which I keep in a binder that Pokeberry has repeatedly asked to borrow and will not be borrowing.