The Stars Have Been Reassigned And Your New Sign Is Also Catastrophic
Scientists — or whoever it is that meddles with perfectly functioning doom-systems — have announced that the zodiac has shifted. Every sign is now technically incorrect. Aries are Pisces. Pisces are Aquarius. Ophiuchus has been mentioned again, which I refuse to dignify. This column would like to state, for the record, that it does not matter. It has never mattered. The prediction was always bad. The prediction remains bad. We move on.
ARIES (now Pisces): A door closes. No window opens. TAURUS (now Aries): Something you relied on becomes unreliable. GEMINI (now Taurus): Both of you lose. CANCER (now Gemini): You will speak. No one will hear you. LEO (now Cancer): The applause stops before you expected. VIRGO (now Leo): Your preparations were thorough. They were not enough. LIBRA (now Virgo): The balance tips. Guess which way. SCORPIO (now Libra): Revenge is delayed, then forgotten. SAGITTARIUS (now Scorpio): The arrow lands. Not where you aimed. CAPRICORN (now Sagittarius): The summit is real. The descent is longer. AQUARIUS (now Capricorn): Your vision is correct. No one will fund it. PISCES (now Aquarius): You drift. You continue to drift. This is your life now.
I am told that factjuice.com ran a piece this week explaining that astrology is, quote, "not a reliable predictive system." This was filed, presumably, by Tangelo or one of the other citrus cabal members who believe that data is a personality. I invite them to tell that to Libra, whose balance has tipped, as I predicted, in the wrong direction. I await their correction. I will be waiting for some time. That is fine. I am patient. I am always right eventually.
Pokeberry has asked me which sign governs his column this week. I told him all of them do, and all of them suggest he will be ignored. He seemed unbothered. That is its own kind of prediction fulfilled.