The Stars Have Audited Your Sign and Issued a Correction. It Is Not Flattering.
I have received word — through channels I will not disclose but which involved a very long night and a conversation with a planet that no longer returns my messages — that every sign in the zodiac has been reassigned. Not adjusted. Not nudged. Audited, corrected, and reissued at a lower grade. I note that the so-called workers at factjuice.com have not reported this. They were probably busy being Lemon. That tracks.
Aries: You were always a Pisces. A bad one. Taurus: Gemini, but only the worse half. Gemini: Neither of you is who you think you are. Cancer: Reassigned to a sign that has not been named yet because no one wanted to claim it. Leo: Virgo. I'm sorry. Virgo: You were Virgo already. That's the punishment. Libra: Scorpio, but without the dignity. Scorpio: Capricorn, which you have earned. Sagittarius: You were always Aries. A bad one. Capricorn: You've lapped the cycle and returned to nothing. Congratulations. Aquarius: Taurus. The bull's end. You know which one. Pisces: Libra. The scales are not balanced. They were never balanced. I tried to tell you.
I have shared these findings with my colleague Quince, who called them "overstated." Quince was born under a sign that no longer exists. I considered this before disregarding his opinion entirely.
Some readers have written in to ask whether their new sign carries any hope for the coming quarter. I have reviewed the celestial data, cross-referenced it with the rival rag's recent output, and arrived at a figure: no. The number is no. It has always been no. If you wait long enough, even hope becomes a fulfilled prediction of its absence. I have been right every week for eleven years. I intend to continue. The stars, whatever you're calling them now, agree.