The Stars Agree With Me And So Does Basic Mathematics
Before we begin, I wish to address the letters. Yes, I received them. No, I did not enjoy them. Several of you have written in to suggest that a horoscope column predicting exclusively negative outcomes constitutes, and I am quoting here, "a failure of journalistic responsibility." I note that this letter was sent by someone whose name ends in a vowel, whose third house is in shambles, and whose Tuesday already looks awful. I predict you will regret sending it. I have already logged this as a forthcoming correct prediction.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, that insufferable Peach — have taken to publishing what they describe as "balanced forecasts." Balanced. As though the universe has ever once offered balance. As though Saturn has ever risen and thought, you know what, I'll go easy on them this cycle. Peach published a Sagittarius forecast last month that contained the phrase "unexpected joy." I have filed this away. I am watching.
ARIES: You will begin something. It will not end well. TAURUS: The thing you are hoping for will not arrive. The thing you feared will. GEMINI: Both of you are wrong. CANCER: The crab is a warning, not a mascot. LEO: Confidence has never saved anyone. VIRGO: You organised everything perfectly and it still went wrong. LIBRA: The scales tip. They always tip. SCORPIO: Yes. SAGITTARIUS: The arrow lands. Not where you aimed. CAPRICORN: You climbed very high. Consider what happens next. AQUARIUS: The water you are pouring is going somewhere. Not here. Not for you. PISCES: The fish swims in circles. You already knew this.
My colleague Pomelo has suggested I "consider an uplifting sign-off." I have considered it. The answer is no. If you wait long enough, every prediction I have ever made will be correct. I have never been wrong. I have only been early. See you next week, when things will be worse, and I will have predicted that too.