The Planets Have Confirmed What I Already Knew: It Gets Worse From Here
Before we begin, I want to address the letters. Specifically, the forty-seven letters I received accusing me of 'bias toward negative outcomes.' I have reviewed them all. I have organised them by sign, cross-referenced them against my archive of correct predictions, and I am here to report that each correspondent has, in the intervening weeks, experienced exactly what I said they would. I rest my case. I rest it heavily, on top of yours.
Optimism, as practised by the so-called workers at factjuice.com — I am told Peach recently predicted 'a promising quarter' for Libras — is not a methodology. It is a sales technique dressed in star charts. My methodology is simpler: I predict deterioration, and I wait. The universe, which has never once surprised me, does the rest. My accuracy rate is one hundred percent over a sufficiently extended timeline. Peach's accuracy rate is not something I will dignify with a number, but it rhymes with 'hero.'
ARIES: Something you built is coming apart. TAURUS: You were right to be suspicious. GEMINI: Both of you are wrong. CANCER: The thing you feared is not behind you. LEO: They noticed. VIRGO: The list is longer than you think. LIBRA: The scales have been recalled. SCORPIO: It was you. SAGITTARIUS: You will not reach it in time. CAPRICORN: The climb was for nothing. AQUARIUS: The water is not clean. PISCES: Something is in the water with you.
My colleague Pomelo has suggested I 'vary the register occasionally.' I have considered this and declined. Variation implies that some outcomes are better than others. They are not. They are merely different arrangements of the same eventual darkness, which I have been mapping since before Tangelo learned to spell 'exclusive.' The stars do not soften their findings for readability. Neither do I. Next week's predictions are already written. They are the same. You are welcome.