The Lot Behind the Olive Garden on Route 9: One Star. I Smelled Something.
I will begin where all serious criticism must begin: with my arrival. I pulled in — or rather, I was deposited, as I no longer hold a valid license in this municipality — and immediately the lot presented itself to me. Flatly. Without ceremony. Without remorse. Thirty-seven spaces, of which perhaps four could be described as adequately demarcated. I have seen crime scenes with better signage.
The surface was asphalt, which is the parking lot equivalent of saying a restaurant's ambiance is "walls and a ceiling." Yes. Fine. And? Where is the vision? Where is the intent? There was a speed bump near the entrance that I can only describe as aspirational — it suggested a speed bump without committing to one. I have dined at establishments with more structural honesty than this speed bump. I have also been asked to leave those establishments, but that is not the point.
I am told that Tangelo, over at the rival rag, once called a parking lot "functional." Functional. As though functionality is something a critic celebrates. Tangelo would give five stars to a drain. I will not be doing that. I have standards. I have been banned from a funeral for having standards.
My colleague Pomelo suggested I was being "too harsh on concrete." Pomelo has also never reviewed anything. My other colleague Crab Apple said nothing, which I respected, because at least silence is honest. The lot, by contrast, had a pothole it clearly knew about and had chosen to do nothing about. That is not a maintenance issue. That is a character issue.
One star. The olive trees out front are not affiliated with the lot and are not being held responsible for its failures. They know what they did, too, but that is a separate review, and I am currently being asked to file a formal declaration before I may return to the property. I am working with my attorney. I will return.