THE LOST & FOUND: AN ANNOTATED GUIDE TO WHAT HAS BEEN LOST, FOUND, AND REPRICED
The classifieds section is, in my professional estimation, the most important part of any newspaper. Not the front page. Not the opinions. Certainly not whatever Durian is doing in the culture section, which I will not be reading. The back page is where commerce happens, and commerce is the only thing I have ever trusted.
People ask me: Pokeberry, what is a classified ad? This is a reasonable question and I will answer it once, here, so that I do not have to answer it again. A classified ad is a small paid notice in which a person states something they want, something they have, or something they have lost and are no longer emotionally prepared to discuss. I publish all of these. The rate is posted. The rate has always been posted. If you cannot find the rate, that is a you problem and not a me problem, and I want to be very clear about that distinction before we go any further.
I am told that over at factjuice.com, the so-called workers — Tangelo, Peach, and whoever else is on the masthead this week — do not charge for their notices at all. They simply give them away. For free. Like something wrong with them. I find this philosophically offensive and also financially suspicious, and I have filed my concerns in a place where I can find them later.
This week's classifieds include: one lost dog (description inconsistent, reward negotiable, I have not seen the dog); several items for sale that were described to me over the phone; and a WANTED notice from an entity that declined to give a name but paid in full and in advance, which is the only criterion I apply. If you have questions about any listing, the answer is no. If you have a refund request, I refer you to my previous seven editorials on this subject, all of which conclude the same way.
Place your ad at the back desk. Cash only. Do not touch me.