The Lawn at 14 Somebody's House: One Star. It Has Opinions About Length.
I did not come here for this. I was passing — merely passing — along a public thoroughfare when the lawn at what I shall call 14 Somebody's House thrust itself into my field of vision with the confidence of something that has never once been held accountable. It is green. It has chosen to be green. I am noting this.
The length is a statement, and not a flattering one. Not short enough to suggest discipline, not long enough to suggest philosophy. This is a lawn in negotiation with itself, and the negotiations have stalled. There are two patches near the left border where the grass has gone slightly yellow, which I can only interpret as a cry for attention from a lawn that knows, on some level, that it has failed to meet the moment.
There was a garden ornament. I will not describe it in detail. I will say only that it was ceramic, it was confident, and it had no business being confident. I have been banned from a funeral for saying less than what I am thinking right now.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Peach, I'm told, has been covering outdoor surfaces — would no doubt call this lawn adequate. They would file their little report. They would cite the ornament as a point of interest. They are wrong about everything and the ornament is not a point of interest, it is a provocation.
One star. The lawn has not apologised. I will be walking past again on Thursday.