The Date You Were Born Is Wrong And So Is Everything Else About You
I have been sitting with this information for some time, waiting for the correct moment to deliver it. There is no correct moment. There never was. That is, in fact, the point.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — that luminous little rival rag staffed by optimists and people named things like Peach and Mel — recently published a piece suggesting that astrological signs are "more flexible than previously assumed." Flexible. As though the cosmos is a warm-up stretch. As though Capricorn is a suggestion. I have forwarded their names to Saturn. Saturn is not flexible. Saturn has never been flexible. Saturn and I are in complete agreement on this.
Here is what I can confirm, after extensive review of the celestial archive, which I maintain personally and which no one else is allowed to touch: your sign is wrong. All of them. Every sign you have ever believed yourself to be is an administrative error made at the moment of your birth by a universe that was, frankly, distracted. Aries: reassigned. Taurus: under review. Gemini: both of you are incorrect. Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Pisces: see previous. Capricorn: I told you. You know what you did.
Your correct sign has been withheld pending an outcome I have already predicted. It is not good. I have documented this in a dossier, which I have shown to Quince, who refused to read it, which I also predicted. The dossier predicted that too. My record remains unblemished.
This week's forecast for all signs: something will occur. You will not be ready. If you wait long enough, you will understand that I was right. I am always right. I find no comfort in this whatsoever, and neither should you.