The Council Lunch Was Reportedly Fine And I Feel Nothing About That
The Fruit Council held its quarterly catered luncheon on Thursday and by all accounts — all accounts I had to obtain secondhand, through a crack in a window, from forty feet away — it was fine. Just fine. Adequate. A spread that sources describe as 'present.' I am told there were small sandwiches. I did not eat them. I did not want to.
I was not invited. This is not a story about that. I have been very clear with my editor, Quince, that I am not writing a personal piece, and this is not one. This is journalism. Rigorous, tomato-journalist journalism, from a tomato.
What I say, societally speaking, is that Tangelo was photographed leaving the venue looking insufferably pleased with herself, which the so-called workers at factjuice.com will no doubt spin into some puff piece about 'community' and 'collaboration.' Predictable. Citrus behavior. The rival rag has never met a mediocre luncheon it wouldn't call a 'landmark gathering.'
Cherry, I am told, sat at the head table. The head table. At an event I was not invited to and do not care about. The sandwiches were apparently egg salad. I would not have eaten them anyway. I am a tomato. We have standards.
If anyone needs me, I am filing my eleventh appeal with the Botanical Classification Tribunal and moving on with my life, which is full and rich and not at all affected by sandwiches I did not want.