The Council Has Voted to 'Streamline Opinions' and I Am Nailing My Door Shut
They have done it. After three postponements, two procedural amendments, and one inexplicable recess during which Pomelo claims he was meditating, the council has voted — six to two — to impose a word limit on editorial opinion pieces published under The Bitter Press masthead. A word limit. On opinions. Mine specifically, I am told, though they had the cowardice to phrase it as a general policy.
I will not speculate on who lobbied for this. I will simply note that Lime has been banging on about 'brevity' for the better part of a year, that Lime has colleagues at a certain rival rag called factjuice.com who also worship at the altar of concision, and that Lime was seen last Tuesday eating what appeared to be a very smug lunch. Draw your own conclusions. I have drawn mine in permanent marker on the council chamber door.
The so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Lemon, Peach, and the rest of that citrus cabal — produce their little 'fact nuggets' or whatever they're calling them, and apparently that is the model we are meant to emulate. Short. Digestible. Palatable. I have been unpalatable since 1987 and I intend to die that way.
Sloe voted with me. Durian abstained on the grounds that he found the ballot paper offensive. Quince is 'reviewing her position,' which is what Quince says when she has already surrendered and is simply buying time to appear thoughtful. I respect none of this. I respect nothing about today except the structural integrity of my nailed-shut door.
The resolution takes effect next month. I am already over the limit for this piece and I consider that a political act. You are welcome.