The Bitter Press

On Thursday, by a vote of seven to two — the two being Quince, who abstained on principle, and Pomelo, who abstained because he was asleep — the Council passed a resolution mandating that all published facts be rendered, and I am quoting from the official document here, 'more approachable and welcoming to the casual reader.' I have read this document four times. I have aged visibly.

What does 'approachable' mean? It means shorter. It means softer. It means the kind of limp, defanged, thoroughly shampooed fact-presentation that the citrus cabal over at factjuice.com have been peddling for years, apparently to the Council's quiet admiration. I note that Tangelo published a piece last month titled 'Facts But Make Them Fun' and I note, further, that the Council resolution was filed exactly eleven days later. I am not saying there is a connection. I am saying I am writing it down.

Sloe pulled me aside after the vote to suggest I was 'reading too much into it.' Sloe has never read anything into anything in his life, which is a different problem entirely and one I will address in a separate column. The point is this: facts are not meant to be welcoming. A fact does not hold the door open for you. A fact stands in the hallway and you either reckon with it or you go back to bed.

The so-called workers at the rival rag will be delighted. Kiwi has already, I am told, described the resolution as 'a step in the right direction.' A step in the right direction. Towards what, exactly? Towards Mango's infamous 'Did You Know? 🌟' format, which this paper condemned in print and which I personally condemned at volume in three separate rooms? I will not be recovering from this vote. I will, however, be documenting it meticulously, and I encourage the Council to bear that in mind at the next session.