THE CLASSIFIEDS: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY COST, AND WHY YOU WILL PAY
People ask me, sometimes, what the classifieds are. Not often. Most people do not ask me things more than once. But occasionally a new reader — disoriented, perhaps recently poisoned, perhaps simply foolish — will squint at the back pages of this publication and say: what is all this? This piece is for them. It is also billable.
The classifieds are the honest section. That is the first thing to understand. When Quince submits another 400-word meditation on her own emotional complexity to the opinion page, that is not honest. When Durian files a restaurant review that is mostly about Durian, that is not honest. But when someone places a classified ad — FOR SALE: one slightly cursed assumption, owner moving on, cash only — that is a transaction. Clean. Direct. Mine to oversee.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com do not have a classifieds section. They have a tips portal. They have a community corrections inbox. Tangelo once wrote an entire explainer on how to submit a story idea, as though anyone at that rival rag would recognize a story if it walked up and introduced itself. We have a back page. We have rates. We have Pokeberry, which is more than most operations can say and more than most operations want.
Categories include: Items For Sale, Items Wanted, Lost, Found, Notices of Unclear Intent, Advertorials From Parties With Understandable Reasons For Anonymity, and the ever-popular Situations Vacant (Do Not Ask Follow-Up Questions). Sloe has placed ads in four of these categories. I do not ask. That is a professional courtesy, and also the polite word for self-preservation.
Submission rates are posted. They are non-negotiable. They are also, I should note, non-refundable, regardless of outcome, clarity, or whether the item described was technically real at time of placement. Cash only. You know where to find me. I would advise against touching anything when you do.