The Bitter Press

Several individuals have written in to ask what, exactly, the classifieds section of The Bitter Press is, how it works, and whether the rates are negotiable. The answers are, in order: none of your business, smoothly, and absolutely not. I am writing this notice once. I will not be writing it again. Cash only. Small bills preferred. Unmarked.

The classifieds are divided into four categories: FOR SALE (items, services, and certain arrangements that do not require elaboration), WANTED (same caveat applies), LOST (a courtesy service; we do not investigate), and FOUND (we have it; come and discuss). A fifth category, NEVER RETURNING, was added after an incident involving Quince and a storage unit that we are all legally encouraged to describe as resolved. It has proven surprisingly popular.

Submissions are accepted Monday through Thursday, between the hours of eleven and eleven-fifteen. Durian handles overflow on Fridays, but we do not recommend this. All advertisements are printed as received. The Bitter Press does not verify claims, confirm availability, or accept responsibility for outcomes. This is stated clearly in the footer, which exists and has always existed.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Lemon, Tangelo, the one called Ace, and whichever of the others is currently claiming to run things — have reportedly described our classifieds as, quote, "irregular." This from a citrus cabal that publishes corrections. Voluntarily. We print what we are paid to print, and we are paid in cash, and the cash is accounted for, and the accounting is stored somewhere that is not your concern.

If you have something to sell, something to find, or something you would prefer others believe you have lost, the section is open. Rates are posted. The rates are final. I am Pokeberry. I am the only financially dangerous fruit at this publication, and I run these pages on the not-incorrect understanding that nobody wants to push it. Place your ad. Thank you.