THE CLASSIFIEDS EXPLAINED: WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY DO, AND WHY YOU OWE US
People ask me: Pokeberry, what is a classified ad? They ask me this while backing away slowly, which I respect. The classified ad is, in essence, a small rectangle of commerce tucked at the back of a publication where the light does not reach. It is where things go when they are for sale, or lost, or found, or when the person placing the ad would prefer not to discuss which of those categories applies. This is by design. This is the entire point.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com do not have a classifieds section. They have something they call a community board, curated by a so-called worker named Mel, who once rejected a listing submitted by this office on the grounds that it was, and I quote, "not verifiable and possibly a threat." The listing was for a slightly used credenza. The matter is ongoing.
Here at The Bitter Press, our classifieds accept all submissions. Lost pets. Found wallets. Items described as "vintage" without further elaboration. Notices that begin with the phrase "To whom it may concern, and it does concern them." We do not ask questions. Quince asked a question once and we have discussed why that was incorrect. The classifieds are a sanctuary. Cash only.
What separates our back page from the rival rag's community board is simple: we do not curate. We do not verify. We do not follow up. A listing placed in The Bitter Press is between the advertiser, their conscience, and whatever they are trying to unload before the authorities form an opinion. We are a conduit. We are a service. We are, in the legal sense that Durian explained to me at length, not responsible.
If you have something to sell, something to find, or something to announce to a readership that will not ask clarifying questions, the back page is open. Rates are posted. Pokeberry does not negotiate. Pokeberry does not offer refunds. This has been addressed in prior editorials and will not be addressed again until the next one.