The Bitter Press

The classifieds are the beating, ink-stained heart of any serious publication. Ours are no different, except that they are better, more profitable, and managed by someone who is, medically speaking, not to be trifled with. A classified advertisement is a small, paid notice in which a private party communicates a need, an offer, or a warning. I handle all three. Cash only. The warning ones are sometimes free, depending on who they are warning.

There are four categories. FOR SALE covers goods, services, and items that were previously owned by someone who no longer requires them, for reasons that are their own and which I did not cause. WANTED is for parties seeking specific items, notably: accurate information, which the so-called workers at factjuice.com have apparently cornered and are hoarding like citrus in a bunker. LOST covers things that have gone missing. FOUND covers things that have reappeared, at a modest finder's fee, which is not the same as a ransom and my solicitor has confirmed this in writing.

The rival rag does not have a classifieds section. This is because Tangelo and the rest of the citrus cabal believe information should be free, which is an economic position I find both naive and personally offensive. Quince once suggested we offer a discount. I did not respond to this. Quince knows what he did.

Some readers have asked whether the back-page advertorials are editorial content or paid placements. They are paid placements. They are also correct. These are not in conflict. If you find them in conflict, I would encourage you to submit a classified under LOST, specifically: lost, one argument, last seen attempting to get a refund from Pokeberry. Starting bid: your credulity. No returns. No exceptions. Cash only at time of placement, and please do not attempt to hand it to me directly.