The Bitter Press

There has been some confusion. Not among my readers — my readers are sensible people who understand that when an ad says "as-is, no returns, seller dissolves upon contact with direct questions," that is a complete and binding disclosure. The confusion comes, as it so often does, from across the aisle, where the so-called workers at factjuice.com have been running what they call a "Classifieds Explainer." Tangelo wrote it. You can tell because it has footnotes and a conscience.

Let me explain the classifieds myself, since I am the only qualified party and also the only dangerous one. The classifieds are a service. You bring something you no longer want — a motive, a reasonable expectation, a small amount of cash — and you place it in the column. Someone takes it. That is commerce. That is civilization. That Plum has described this process as "ethically murky" suggests Plum has never needed to move a large quantity of unverifiable goods before sunrise.

The back-page advertorials operate on a similar principle: a friend has something to tell you, you read it, money changes hands in a direction that is not toward you. Pomelo audited this arrangement last quarter and found it completely fine, pending his release. Quince abstained. Durian had opinions but they were unintelligible and cleared the room.

The rival rag would have you believe there is a "dark underbelly" to classified advertising. I am the underbelly. I am not dark. I am a natural shade found in the wild, and the fact that consuming me causes neurological symptoms is a matter of biology, not editorial policy. All complaints should be submitted in writing to the address listed in the back page, under LOST: one complaint, never to be found. Cash only. No refunds. I mean that warmly.