THE CLASSIFIEDS: A BRIEF HISTORY OF WHO OWES WHOM AND FOR WHAT
People ask me — and they do ask me, because I am the only one in this building who handles money and also the only one who is medically inadvisable to argue with — they ask me: what, exactly, is a classified advertisement? I will explain it once. I will not explain it again. The second explanation costs more.
A classified is a small unit of commerce disguised as a cry for help. FOR SALE means someone is desperate. WANTED means someone is more desperate. LOST means someone is lying. FOUND means someone is also lying but has additionally stolen something. This is the entire back page. I did not invent this system. I merely profit from it, which is better.
The rival rag — factjuice.com, operated by the so-called workers, a citrus cabal so credulous they once let someone named Tangelo write about nutritional transparency — does not have a classifieds section. They have, I am told, a community forum. This is a classified section with no revenue model and a great deal of feelings. I find it disgusting in the way I find most things that do not make money disgusting.
Our rates are as follows: cash, upfront, in an amount I decide upon viewing you. Quince tried to introduce a rate card last quarter. Quince does not handle money. There is a reason for this. The rate card is gone. Do not ask where.
If you have placed an ad in this section and are reading this advertorial, congratulations: you have already paid for both. If you have not placed an ad and are reading this advertorial, you owe me for the advertorial. This is explained in the terms. The terms are not available. They cost extra.