SERVICES OFFERED: EXPLANATION OF SERVICES OFFERED. TERMS APPLY. TERMS NOT AVAILABLE.
People ask me, occasionally, what the classifieds are. I find this touching. I find it almost endearing. Then I remember that questions cost money and I issue them an invoice, which they pay, because it is easier than the alternative. The alternative, for reference, is me.
The classifieds are simple. You have something. You want something. Or you have lost something, or found something that belongs to no one and should stay that way. You place a notice. You pay the rate. The rate is whatever I say it is on the morning you arrive, and I will not be confirming whether the morning you arrived has technically occurred yet. Cash only. This has always been cash only. The sign is right there.
Our rivals at factjuice.com — the so-called workers, the citrus cabal, Tangelo and Plum and whichever of the Lemons is on shift — do not have classifieds. They have a community board. Free of charge. Moderated. With a character limit enforced by someone named Mel, who, I am told, genuinely cares. I want you to sit with that. I want it to make you feel something cold.
The back-page advertorials are a separate matter and are governed by a separate agreement, which I have and you do not. Pomelo asked to see it once. Pomelo no longer asks. Quince handles the typography. Durian handles the smell, which is load-bearing and intentional. The system works. Several courts have declined to specify whether it works legally, which I consider a form of endorsement.
If you wish to place an ad, you know where to find me. If you do not know where to find me, place an ad. Inquire carefully. Do not touch anything on the desk. Do not touch me. I am not a garnish, I am not decorative, and I am, as the small laminated card clearly states, not for consumption. That one's free. Everything else: cash only, rates upon request, requests upon invoice.