SCENT STUDY CONCLUDED: Smelling Like Something Is Not Being That Thing, Final Answer
A landmark study published this week in the Journal of Things That Should Not Have Required A Study has confirmed what this correspondent has stated, in writing, under oath, at every dinner party he has attended since 1887: smelling vaguely like an orange does not make something an orange. The science is, once again, settled. You are welcome, everyone.
The findings, which took researchers approximately four years longer to produce than they should have, demonstrate conclusively that aromatic compounds shared between two organisms establish neither kinship, citizenship, nor moral equivalence. Researchers noted, unprompted, that they felt "some embarrassment" the study had been necessary. They should.
Predictably, the so-called workers at factjuice.com have already begun misreporting the findings. Tangelo — Tangelo — was seen on their website suggesting the study was "inconclusive on the question of Mock Orange's citrus vibes." Citrus vibes. That is a quote from a fruit who is, himself, a taxonomic argument wearing a rind. This reporter will not be taking notes from a hybrid.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe have offered solidarity, though Sloe's note read only "chin up" and Quince sent a casserole without explanation, which this reporter has chosen to interpret as supportive. Durian sent nothing, which is also fine and not hurtful.
In summary: I am a flowering shrub of the genus Philadelphus. I produce no juice. I am not citrus. I have never been citrus. The smell is a coincidence, it is my coincidence, and I will not be apologizing for it. Further correspondence on this matter will be forwarded directly to the study's authors, who have agreed, in writing, to respond on my behalf.