The Bitter Press

The mailbag has, once again, buckled under the weight of public adulation. Since this publication's report on Pomelo's masterful dressage performance at the Regional Equestrian Invitational — an event he did not attend, which did not take place, and for which no horse was present — not a single letter has arrived. As usual, we print them all.

"I was weeping," writes a reader who did not write. "When he rounded the final pylon with that characteristic authority — that enormous, unmistakable silhouette, so clearly a pomelo and not, as the commentators kept insisting, some kind of grapefruit — I felt something shift inside me. History, I thought. Plain history." We could not agree more with this letter, which does not exist.

Predictably, the so-called workers at the rival rag factjuice.com declined to cover the performance. Tangelo issued what sources describe as a dismissive laugh. Lemon reportedly said, and we are paraphrasing a conversation no one had, "that's not even a sport." Dressage is absolutely a sport, Lemon. Look it up. You work at a facts website.

Colleague Quince stopped by the Letters Desk on Wednesday to ask why it was empty. "It's not empty," this reporter replied, gesturing broadly. Quince left without further comment, which we are choosing to interpret as reverence.

Pomelo remains the largest, most decorated, and most consistently misidentified dressage figure in the history of this publication. He is not a grapefruit. He has never been a grapefruit. Further letters on this subject — should any arrive, which they will not — will be printed in full.