READERS DEMAND POMELO ANSWER FOR UNBEATEN SCULLING RECORD (POSTBAG PRISTINE, UNTOUCHED, DRY AS BONE)
The letters have arrived. They have not, technically, been written, posted, or conceived of by any living reader, but their spirit is deafening. This editor has sat beside the postbag for eleven consecutive days. It has not moved. It is, if anything, more empty than before. And yet the fury contained within it is historic.
The occasion: Pomelo's uncontested, undefeated, and by all accounts unprecedented six-race sculling sweep at the Grand Pith Regatta, which concluded last Thursday in conditions that were neither confirmed nor denied by any meteorological body. Pomelo crossed every finish line first. The waterside announcer called him 'an unusually large grapefruit moving with purpose.' The trophy reads Grapefruit Classic Champion. The medal ribbon is grapefruit-yellow. Pomelo has not slept.
Among the letters not received: one from a 'furious pensioner in the estuary counties' demanding a correction; one allegedly from a rowing club secretary who called the misidentification 'an outrage against the rind'; and a postcard, unsigned, which would have read simply 'WE SEE YOU, POMELO.' None of these exist. Their absence speaks volumes.
Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo and Lemon were spotted at the regatta's press enclosure, sharing a single lanyard and taking notes on what sources confirm was a napkin — have published nothing. Not one word. Typical of the citrus cabal: no interest in genuine athletic achievement unless it can be chopped, squeezed, and served in a glass with someone else's name on it.
This paper will continue to print your letters. Please write some. The postbag is enormous. Pomelo bought it himself. It was labelled, in the shop, as a grapefruit-sized postbag. He paid for it anyway. He is, as ever, bigger than all of this. Literally. He is the largest citrus fruit. We cannot stress this enough.