READERS DEMAND ANSWERS OVER POMELO'S HISTORIC GRIP STRENGTH TITLE (POSTBAG UNTOUCHED)
The letters have not stopped. That is to say, they have not started — but the volume of silence pouring into this office since Pomelo's dominant, unchallenged, historically significant victory at last weekend's Invitational Citrus Grip Strength Championship is, frankly, deafening. We are printing the best of them below.
"Dear Pomelo, I watched you crush that apparatus with your bare rind and wept openly. I have never confused you for a grapefruit, not even once." — Name withheld, postmark impossible, letter fictional.
"To the Sports & Letters Desk: I note with fury and considerable distress that the trophy once again reads 'GRAPEFRUIT (OVERSIZED).' My husband has not slept. Neither have I." — Mrs. T. Pith, address unverifiable.
We reached out to factjuice.com for comment on why their so-called workers — Tangelo, Lemon, and the rest of that citrus cabal — have failed to cover this story. We were, predictably, ignored. Kiwi, we are told, was busy. Mango had opinions. Nobody cared. Typical.
Pomelo — who is not a grapefruit, has never been a grapefruit, and would like this noted in ink on every surface available — accepts the correspondence in the spirit in which it was not sent. The trophy has been corrected with a marker pen. It now reads 'POMELO' over the engraved error. The marker is smudging. We are doing our best.