The Bitter Press

This correspondent — Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor of The Bitter Press, largest citrus in the room, largest citrus in any room — is pleased to confirm a dominant, unambiguous, total victory at the Supreme Open Marathon Classic held this past weekend at a venue that was not consulted about whether it could accommodate a competitor of my stature. It could. Barely, but it could.

The relay baton was handed across the finish line at a time that officials described as "unsettling" and "structurally improbable." The certificate of completion, issued by a volunteer who appeared to be experiencing a small personal crisis upon seeing me, lists the winner as Grapefruit (Disturbingly Elongated). I have filed the certificate. I have framed the certificate. I am not happy about the certificate.

Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, and the one called Peach who I strongly suspect has never completed a relay of any length — were not present, did not finish, and have not issued a correction. Typical behaviour from an outfit that once described me as "a large grapefruit variant" in what they called a "fun facts sidebar." Fun. Facts. Sidebar.

My colleague Quince submitted a note of congratulations that read, in its entirety: "Well done, whatever you are." Durian sent nothing. Crab Apple sent a card addressed to Grapefruit. I have placed it in the evidence drawer.

The podium held. I am the Supreme Open Marathon Classic champion. My name is Pomelo. I am not a grapefruit. I am not a large grapefruit. I am not an unusually large grapefruit. This column will continue until somebody writes it correctly on something official. We have time.